Her Story SA

Insulin shot excuse just insane

2011-01-14T21:16:00.003+02:00

Two New York teachers, both women, were recently caught in a very compromising position on school grounds, while the pupils were in the auditorium. The janitor apparently spotted the women, aged 30 and 34, getting very up close and personal with one another. It's caused quite a stir and of course, the education department was not at all pleased. It has fired both women: first the Spanish teacher, and then this week, the French teacher - finding them guilty of gross misconduct. The Spanish teacher apparently claimed the incident in question was all very innocent. She said she is diabetic and had invited the French teacher into the classroom to check her blood sugar levels, and give her an insulin shot. Definitely no French kissing took place, she maintained.

Check out the rest of it here. You're going to wish she'd thought this through a little more before saying anything!

Lesbians and parenting

2010-12-12T17:45:00.004+02:00

I was delighted to read about the results of a 25-year study, published in USA journal Pediatrics, in which the researchers followed over 70 lesbian couples who'd conceived using sperm from donors. Among the results were that the children were often more intelligent, emotionally mature and confident than kids raised in a heterosexual environment.

For more information on the study, check out this article on The Guardian's website. It also features the stories of four lesbian couples who've had children.

It's wonderful to see such affirming data coming out about lesbian moms. It's such a difficult process for us to become a mom, and so I'd wager that these little ones are very loved and cherished and very intentional.

Changing my airline

2010-11-01T19:22:00.001+02:00

If you like the whiskey advert below, this one should tickle your fancy too. Pity this airline does not operate in SA skies.

Desperado

2010-10-31T22:25:00.000+02:00

OMG. LOL. I have been browsing through a girl-meets-girl website, looking for the perfect match. What an exercise in futility. Although if you have a sense of humour, it is a case of laughing before you cry into your pinotage. A straight friend of mine who's American had convinced me to give online dating another try. She has, you see, had rather a successful run of her own on a U.S. site. The difference though is depth. The U.S. site was obviously designed by the CIA. It is, in a word, thorough. The SA equivalent, I am afraid, is not. FUNGIRL proclaims, "Seduce my mind and you can have my body", Rose says: "Loves Sunsets and White wine...", while sexyliciouse asks: "are u tired of waiting 4 da ryt girl well hear i am".

All I can say is, OMG - these are supposed to be specially-selected matches that rank, in terms of compatibility, at over 80%. What the hell were these girls thinking when they signed up? Perhaps they were under the influence of White Wine at the time.

Is it too much to ask that prospective matches can spell and use words in their correct context? In this era of social networking and cellphone lingo, is it too much to ask for someone to use 'for' and not '4'? Is there anyone out there who still values the English language, and has the ability to put on the spell check? If there is, darling, 'hear I am'!

:-)

Sunday night ramblings

2010-10-31T22:17:00.001+02:00

If you're living life the right way, you'll continually be challenged by it. That is part of the process; it's what comes with the territory when you're pushing the boundaries and breathing in great big mounds of air, as opposed to breathing in, and out through your nose: imperceptible at the best of times.

In my life, it is a joy to be friends with a myriad of people who, while being supporting and sincere, never agree with me just for the sake of being agreeable. They challenge me at every twist and turn, especially when I make outrageous statements or am in victim, or judgmental mode. You see, I sometimes make those statements just to push the envelope, as many of us do, and to see how far away the boundary line is. I do it to test my own perceptions. I like to be challenged. I like to debate things, and I like to be 'made' to see several other viewpoints. Once pointed out, you remember they'd taken hold deep within years ago, but had been buried under the layers of sanctity you'd since absorbed.

Am I talking in riddles? Perhaps, but my point is that without people in your life who're not afraid to challenge you; not afraid to disagree, or to agree to disagree with you, you can become more Stepford in your ways. Black and white are not the only colours.

Oh, oh, oh, Oprah

2010-04-15T22:09:00.004+02:00

Oprah must be watching the press quite carefully right now. With the release of Kitty Kelley's new biography, which claims the big O is a closet lesbian, desperately in love with her longtime friend Gayle King, but too scared to come out, she will no doubt be anxious about her well-built up reputation.

I have never advocated the outing of celebs, or of anyone for that matter, but the one web article I read on this topic did make a good point. If Oprah is a lesbian, and if she has indeed hidden it for year, cloaking herself in elaborate acts of heterosexual 'rightness', but at the same time building a talk show legacy where she 'outs' people, and their secrets, is a tad hypocritical.

According to newsblaze.com: "Oprah doesn't want to damage her brand name by admitting that she's a lesbian. She cares more about preserving her billion dollar empire, than she does about advancing the cause of gay and lesbian rights.

"A celeb's private life should be nobody's business, but Oprah is a special case. Oprah has built her reputation on demanding honesty from her guests. Oprah makes her guests cry, and reveal their deepest secrets. What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

They have a point.

Less can be so much more

2009-12-25T22:04:00.005+02:00

I've said it many times before, but I love the novels of Sarah Waters. Tipping the Velvet and Fingersmith (and Affinity) have also been beautifully adapted for TV by the BBC. Please note that the video below contains major spoilers for Fingersmith, but it's gorgeous. And very hot in that repressed old English period drama sort of way.

Politically correct whiskey

2009-12-25T21:41:00.002+02:00

Ho, ho, ho, love this Johnny Walker ad. I'm not a whiskey drinker, but if you are, this alone warrants giving them your support!

Coming out this decade

2009-12-22T20:43:00.006+02:00

I've just come across this wonderful photo story in AfterEllen showing some of the high profile women who've come out this past decade. Well done our very own Melanie Lowe for making the list! Didn't realise one of my favourite Criminal Minds characters, Penelope Garcia, is gay. Knew I loved her!

From Portia to Missy Higgins to Suze Ormand, check out the full listing here

Portia, oh Portia!

2009-12-07T20:11:00.003+02:00

Portia de Rossi is to gay women what Hugh Jackman is to straight women! Oh-MY! She is lovely. I like her because she freaks out all the homophobes when they see her. "That woman..a lesbian? No way!" She is the epitome of femininity. She is a strong and beautiful woman who just happens to love other women. And in this interview on The View, she glows when she talks about Ellen and marriage and it's heartening to see.

On Prop 8 and its implications, Portia says: "(Gay marriage) is really not a religious issue or moral issue, it's just simply a civil rights issue. And the fact that the majority can get to vote on the rights of a minority seems very un-American to me."

Well done Portia for being one classy act! (Pity about the crap quality of the three hosts of this show including Whoopi who looked half asleep and who could have been an ally but chose to bury her head in the sand. Hmph.)

Meredith Baxter's coming out moment

2009-12-06T00:01:00.008+02:00

It's been all over the press for the past few days: ex Family Ties actress, Meredith Baxter (aka Elyse Keaton) has officially come out of the closet. The move was prompted by a recent lesbian cruise she attended, and the subsequent tabloid media hype around it. Meredith, 62, says she has been involved with her current partner, Nancy Locke, for four years.

Below, Baxter's sensitively-handled coming out interview (with Matt Lauer) on The Today Show. Watching it, I feel admiration for Meredith, but also sadness and anger that gay people have to subject themselves to this sort of rubbish: justifying loving someone of the same sex. I have to wonder when love will just be love. Full stop.

The other Secret unveiled

2009-11-30T22:18:00.006+02:00

A few years ago I went to a friend's 50th birthday party. I don't know her too well. We were more casual acquaintances than anything else I guess, although I like her a lot and have fun in her presence. Anyway, her partner Helen happens to be a woman I've known for many years, also as more of an acquaintance, because of the age gap between us. When I was at school, Helen was probably about 40. She went away one weekend and another mutual friend (Patty) organised a friend (Elize) to housesit. They had a dinner party one evening and I was invited.

Imagine the scene... still in school (probably just on 18) and invited to this very grown up and very lesbian evening. I was nearing the end of my school career and was planning on leaving my hometown to go off to university in a matter of months, and I was desperate to be with a woman.

I had told my mom I was staying the night at a friend's - and I got there on my scooter. I was very drawn to the house-sitter, Elize, who was a journalist with the most wonderfully delicate hands you have ever seen. She was about 4 or 5 years older than me, although when you're 18, that may as well be 10 or 15 years older! We got through rather a lot of red wine that night, as I recall, and the mutual friend, Patty, left quite soon after dinner. I remained. I can't recall what was said about why I was staying. Perhaps I was too drunk to drive anywhere!

Anyway, the delicious Elize was very kind and very sweet and before I knew it our conversation turned to things more Sapphic. To cut a long story short, we decided at that moment that it would be perfect to skinny dip. She slid into the pool first. I was but 18 and very shy, you understand. Under the cover of darkness I got into the pool too, and we shared out first, but by no means our last, kiss of the evening. Lord, this is sounding very cheesy! It really was a wonderful initiation, and from the swimming pool, we went to the bedroom. It was in reality Helen's bedroom, but remember that Elize was housesitting. I am very grateful for that night. Wow. For a first time, it was everything I had hoped for. And more. She was attentive and gentle and soft and taught me a lot. I am very grateful to Elize and for that wonderful and unexpected night together.

Anyway, the point is that at Helen's partner's 50th birthday not so long ago, we all had to reveal a secret. It was a spoof of The Secret you see - and the revelations that afternoon were hilarious and daring. Mine, to just the birthday girl and Helen, was what had happened in their home some 22 years prior. I told them about the housesitting and the wine and the pool and the education I received and they both threw back their heads and laughed and laughed, delighted to have been a part of my early education in some small, unfathomable way! I was glad to have shared that particular secret and I must admit to wondering where Elize was today and what her memory of that night had been.

Settling for second best

2009-11-29T01:05:00.004+02:00

People who cannot be single for any significant period of time fascinate me. One of the saddest things I've heard was a colleague's inebriated confession, about 10 years ago, that while he was desperately unhappy in a loveless marriage, he could not leave because he was more terrified of being alone. He was hoping to meet someone new, whilst in his marriage, and then leave the one bed for the other.

He and his wife are still married to this day, not that things are any better. He just hasn't found the right bed to leapfrog into.

Hearing that confession, I made a silent promise to myself never to become like that. I would rather be on my own, than settle. How insulting to your partner, and how soul destroying to yourself.

Adam shouldn't have taken the 'bite'

2009-11-28T13:47:00.006+02:00

There's been a lot of hype this week over Adam Lambert's performance at the American Music Awards. Apparently about 1500 complaints have been logged after he was swept away in the moment, apparently, and started improvising in his performance. The 'offensive' bits were his sexual interactions with men on stage: simulating oral sex, S&M, and then of course the kiss with one of the band members.

He later told Rolling Stone magazine: "Female performers have been doing this for years – pushing the envelope about sexuality – and the minute a man does it everybody freaks out." And I have to say, I agreed with him 100% (think Janet Jackson's boob incident and Britney's kiss with Madonna) until I saw the video, that is.

I have never watched American Idols until this latest season, when I was off sick and it was on during the day. It was down to the top 8, I think, and I was blown away by Adam's talent. He flaunted his sexuality with such confidence; he swaggered his stuff with such passion; and the singing - was powerful and amazing. Add his coming out in Rolling Stone to the mix, and the fact that America chose the blue-eyed 'nice guy' over him in the end, and I was a big, big fan. I still am, and I still think his talent is limitless, but I think he did get carried away.

Not only did he sing 'For your entertainment' terribly, but the aggression behind that kiss was a little much. The 27-year-old's admitted to totally improvising on the night, which means that the poor guy he kissed had no idea what was going to happen, and Adam literally grabs him, pulling him violently into the lip lock. That's the worst part of this for me. Sexy it was not.

Perhaps he's trying to break free of the Idols image and shock the world. Maybe he was trying to stir controversy in the hope it would boost album sales (and maybe it has, and maybe he was just acting out the lyrics, but I think he overstepped the mark. Absolutely, spice things up by showing a same sex kiss, but don't leave us with the feeling that it was stolen forcibly. He would not have gotten away with it if it had been a women either. I think ultimately, if I had read that the whole stunt had been planned and rehearsed etc, I would feel differently. But it wasn't, and role models - especially gay ones - should know better.

Update: The YouTube video I had posted has been removed 'due to copyright' issues.

The chilling reality

2009-11-15T10:06:00.003+02:00

A very disturbing media release has been issued by the South African gay umbrella body, the Joint Working Group, to highlight concerns over proposed legislation in Uganda, in East Africa.

Gay rights groups in Uganda have appealed for activists across the world to hold protests at the Ugandan Embassies and High Commissions in their countries to oppose the Anti-Homosexuality Bill currently being tabled in the Ugandan parliament.

According to the release by the Joint Working Group (JWC): "The Ugandan anti-homosexuality bill aims to build on the current homophobic legislation already in force in that country by adding further offences and even more stringent punishments for anyone caught committing the crime of homosexuality. Among many horrific clauses in the proposed law are the imposition of the death penalty for what they term “aggravated homosexuality”, punishment for people who do not report on homosexuals and the criminalisation of activists who work in LGBTI organisations."

While gay rights are entrenched in South Africa, the situation is not the same in other parts of the continent, as the Ugandan example clearly states. Even in South Africa, lesbian women are raped in townships to 'cure them' or 'teach them a lesson', while homophobia is rife in many communities and being gay or lesbian is seen as being un-African.

In terms of the Ugandan issue, the JWC is holding a protest outside the Ugandan High Commission in Arcadia, Pretoria, on the 17 November from 12pm to 2pm, to show its disgust at the proposed bill. It's also calling on the South African government to break its silence on the matter, saying such silence is unacceptable.

If you're in Gauteng and can join the protest, please do so. And if you're elsewhere in the world, with the power to write about this situation, please spread the word.

And on a separate note, South Africans feeling isolated or needing help from LGBTI organisations, can possibly Google any of the JWC members as listed below.

Activate WITS, Behind the Mask, Coalition of African Lesbians, Durban Gay and Lesbian Community , D Gayle, Engender
Forum for the Empowerment of Women, Gay and Lesbian Memory in Action, Gay and Lesbian Network (PMB), Gay Umbrella, Gender Dynamix, Glorious Light MCC, Good Hope MCC, Hope and Unity MCC, Inclusive and Affirming Ministries (IAM), Jewish Outlook, Out in Africa, OUT LGBT Well-being, OUT Rhodes, Rainbow UCT, SAYLO, The Inner Circle, Lesbian and Gay Equality Project, Triangle Project, Unisa Centre for Applied Psychology, XX/Y Flame.

(Image thanks to Wikipedia)

The more things change...

2009-11-13T22:58:00.007+02:00

The more things change, the more things stay the same, it appears. Today was a case in point. Had an appointment with a fertility specialist. He's highly recommended and one of the city's top experts. But before I even got to meet him, several things just totally offended me.

1) His receptionist was rude and insensitive. Women approach this doctor at their most vulnerable. They turn here in a crisis and to have the front-line person barking instructions at you and telling you it's cash only, is a little much. I was also told that it would take until mid December to get an appointment and then, once I asked to be on standby, was told I would have to call in weekly to see if there was any 'vacancy'. Talk about a God-complex, and this isn't even from the doctor who creates life each day!
2) Step two was being called by the receptionist and told, 'we have an appointment for you, but if you cannot come to this one, we cannot help you.' Nice.
3) Accepted the appointment and then argued with the woman about form of payment, saying it was 'utterly ridiculous' the Dr didn't accept cards or an EFT. Eventually she conceded that I could pay by EFT.
4) Arrived for my appointment 15 minutes early. Waited 1hr45 to actually get in to see the Dr. Before that, had to fill in THE FORM. Hoo boy, was this a beaut. Absolutely no consideration for any possibility but the married couple. Form actually said: 'Wife's name' (that would be me, I guess!), then 'Husband's job description' (need to make sure the hubby can afford the treatment!) and the piece de resistance was the line under payment: 'Husband's medical aid'. Let's just say I had to scratch out rather a lot.
5) Walked in to the Dr's office, to be greeted by a 'Hello Mrs XYZ, or is it Miss?'. He had just caught sight of my form, you see, and so did a little double take. "Miss," I replied. 'Oh!' he said, 'Please have a seat.'

It's a very vulnerable place to find yourself in, and I find it appalling that in 2009, one has to be subjected to this sort of sexist drivel. Forget about the gay women out there, the message is that being a mother is only acceptable for a 'wife', and only as long as there is a bank-rolling husband in the picture too.

The long wait...

2009-11-01T22:48:00.005+02:00

I am currently waiting to find out if my latest A.I (artificial insemination) round has taken. Had two this month. One nine days ago and the other, six days ago. It's amazing how few sites out there have info on exactly what should be happening now. It's also remarkable how hyper-vigilant you are about your body. Little cramps or pains I've probably had for the past 25 or so years are suddenly being felt for the first time. Grumpiness too is taking on a new dimension. I hit a low on Wednesday when I felt terribly pre-menstrual. The first sign was when I nearly ripped out a colleague's throat. Ok, not quite, but you get the picture. Everything is heightened right now and I do not feel in control! I have Googled early pregnancy symptoms ad nauseam. I then Googled 'very, very, very early pregnancy signs' and that still did not provide me with much comfort.

Early signs you see are frequent urination (I am peeing so much lately because I am WAITING to see if I am pregnant and drinking so much water because sub-consciously I know that peeing frequently is a sign!)
Another indication is tender breasts. How do you tell if your breasts are tender? I guess if you need to ask the question you've answered your question. I find frequent prodding of my breasts does help to cause tenderness!

Another sign is mood swings. OK, so that's just unfair. Of course I have mood swings. I am WAITING! And I am possibly PMT.
Another indication is sensitivity to aromas. Yes, yes, I have that! Erm, but I always have that. All-bloody-year round. OK, so this is not going so well.

Missed period? Well - not yet, because as pointed out earlier, it is EARLY, EARLY at this stage. Dizziness and / or fainting - no. Crap. OK, so it is not looking too good, really. I should know in the next few days. The wait though really is agonising, as anyone in the same boat will be able to confirm. Definitely a time of obsessing and naval gazing. Oh, to be a lady in waiting...

Best on-screen kisses

2009-10-14T21:32:00.004+02:00

Apparently in an upcoming Heroes episode, Claire the cheerleader and another female character kiss. It's got Tinseltown buzzing, but according to sites like Movieline.com, the kiss itself is a bit of a cop out. The site says: "There’s a distressing lack of give-and-take here." It also says Claire seems 'pretty disinterested'. Well, I gave up on Heroes a long time ago, so I won't be able to judge for myself, but here are some of the better on-screen kisses over the years. Thanks to moveline.com for prompting some of these memories!

Ally McBeal kiss in 1999 between Ally and Ling: (OK, so this one was disabled by copyright kings. You'll have to google it!)

Here's a wonderful collage from various classics:

L-Word collage:

Grey's Anatomy: Callie and Erica

LA Law - this kiss made history for sure as it was 1991!

When 'family' isn't 'family'

2009-10-09T19:37:00.004+02:00

I have a very benevolent attitude towards most gay people. Generally speaking, I embrace them and feel an immediate kinship with them. After all, if they've gone through even a bit of what I went through to come out and be myself, they must be pretty cool. But I recently learnt that just because someone is family, doesn't mean they're your 'family'!

Picture the scene. Gay girl meets lesbian friends of best gay boy friends. Italian venue chosen for the occasion. I am full of hope and optimism. I am, after all, a glass-half-full kinda gal. Hmm. I first started getting a little concerned when Girl 'A' described Sean Penn's 'Milk' as 'that Art movie'. Clearly an Oscar for best actor doesn't qualify one for mainstream!

In the interests of a united nations, I pushed that aside, only to be told, a few agonising minutes later, that the Sarah Waters screenplay was in fact called 'Tipping Velvet' and that it had been set in the 1950's. It was all too much, I tell you, and so I did was any self respecting lesbian would do: I ordered another beer.

It was the only way I knew how to continue through the deep dark night where the friends of friends had turned out to be not family at all. *Sigh*

Sarah Waters

2009-09-29T19:18:00.007+02:00

Most lesbians know Sarah Waters as the wonderfully talented novelist behind literary gems such as 'Tipping the Velvet' and 'Fingersmith'. Both of these novels put, in my opinion, lesbian writing in the mainstream. She's won numerous awards for her writing, and both of the novels mentioned above, as well as 'Affinity' have all been adapted for television. So, when I heard, many months back that Sarah had penned a new novel, due out in about Aug/September, I quivered with excitement and prepared to book my copy.

Her latest offering is called The Little Stranger, and it's set in the 1940s in rural Warwickshire. More intriguingly, it's billed as a 'chilling ghost story'. 'Affinity' - while not a ghost story, had a 'supernatural' element to it. The sexual tension between the main characters in Affinity kept me turning the pages rapidly.

Waters can pretty much write anything, you see, and a host of lesbian fans will buy her work. But this time, I have to confess to feeling a little let down. Make no mistake, The Little Stranger is a wonderful read. I took it away with me over the long weekend and devoured it in a day or two. She is a masterful storyteller. But, I did feel disappointed that Caroline Ayres, one of the main characters, was not lesbian. There were little indications early on that she was. Waters, I felt, teased us along, and then revealed about mid-way that that wasn't the route she was taking us along.

*Sigh*.

I've just watched an interview with Waters (via this link) where she admits that she's spent a lot of time apologising to lesbians for the fact that there's no gay character in the book.

She said however of Caroline that she's clearly not your run-of-the-mill, mainstream heterosexual protagonist: "So in a way, The Little Stranger is a queer book, which I hope will sit more comfortably alongside my more obviously lesbian novels."

The bottom line, is that I enjoyed the novel and highly recommend you give it a try. And ultimately (and see if you agree once you've read it) I do think Caroline is a dyke! :-)

Oh and of her new novel, which is yet to be written, Waters says she may look at the pre-war period of the 1920's and 30's. Please Sarah, put in a lesbian character... !

Artificial insemination 101

2009-08-29T22:54:00.005+02:00

This baby-making business (the A.I way) is not for sissies, I tell you. On the one hand, it's hectically serious, but on the other it's given many light moments, although you have to have a sense of humour to get through - that's for sure.

I've been through five A.I's already in the past two months and am currently waiting to see if any of the latest ones 'have taken'. I should know in a week's time. And while that has its own challenges and anxieties (the waiting), it has been easier this month. Last month was insanely intense. I spend days psyching myself up for it and also trying to be positive that at the end of it, I would get a positive result on that blood test. Alas, it was not meant to be, but it's been one helluva ride.

I have to laugh at the very first A.I. I'd taken the day off work for the occasion, as it was set for around noon and I wanted to be in a relaxed state of mind for it - something work does not induce. I had butterflies in my stomach all morning and by late morning they'd become slightly entangled. I set off on my Tom Cruise-like Mission just after 11am. First stop, the hospital up the road where my go-to sperm guy is based. I was to pick up the package, insert between breasts, drive 15 minutes up the road to another hospital where the gynae is based. As I arrived, the gynae's secretary called to ask if I was on schedule, as the gynae had to get into an emergency C-section asap. 'When will you be here,' she enquired anxiously. My heart nearly leapt out of my throat at the news. Holy crap - no pressure, I thought. Being a little early, I buzzed on the intercom to the sperm guys office (little more than a broom closet at first glance) and was told he'd 'be there in a few minutes'. Damn. No luck getting the goods early then. A guy arrived outside the office, clearly on his own mission for a female partner - and he was seen before I was. He emerged minutes later with the plastic syringe that is supplied and an envelope (which I later learnt has the specs of the sperm on it: basically how alive the little buggers were) but no telltale signs of any test tube. I still wonder where he placed it to keep it at body temp!

Anyway, I had my own transaction to get through, and my turn finally came and it was a quick exchange. The first thing I noticed was that there was practically NO liquid in the test tube at all. I mean it was less than a teaspoon worth. I couldn't stop myself: "Is that all I get," I asked him. Yes - he replied, no doubt having heard this question before. The second thing that alarmed me slightly was the colour of the 'specimen' as it's politely called. Pink. I wondered if he knew that I was a gay woman! Nah, impossible, I thought. Ok, best I get this show on the road - what with some poor woman poised and ready to have a C-Section and waiting for me to be seen to first.

I gingerly placed the test tube - upright as instructed - down my bra, hoping I had enough to hold it together. I zipped up my jersey (even though it was quite sunny outside) so those in the waiting room area I'd have to pass on my way out wouldn't notice the bulge of the test tube through my T-shirt. All you think of course is how obvious it is that you are carrying a vial of sperm, pink nogal, down your top.

I finally arrived back at my car, took off the jersey because by now I was starting to sweat, and set off on the drive. I took a wrong turn and ended up having to make a longer detour to get onto the highway; then when I did I got stuck behind two massive trucks - meaning I was stuck in first gear for about a kilometre. I was starting to panic by this stage. Next obstacle was a traffic jam as a result of an accident. Once past that, cursing and trying to relax myself all in the same breath, I had a clear run and arrived at the gynae's where, ironically, I then sat waiting for 10 long minutes. All the while I was worrying that the little guys in the plastic vial weren't getting any younger and may be starting to wane.

Finally it was time. The actual A.I was quick and painless, but the speculum inserted so he could see what he was doing was too large and was very painful. Hoo boy - I didn't expect that. I tensed like hell and was told to relax. Not very easy as anyone who's had the good ole speculum inserted will know. Turns out the next time he used a smaller one and it was painless and quick!

I lay alone in the room afterwards for about 30 minutes. I would have liked longer but they insisted this was enough. Then I got into my car and drive home, where I relaxed for the afternoon, channeling baby thoughts. The experience was - in a word: INTENSE.

I only started to see the funny side to the day that evening when recounting the story to a friend on the phone. What a comedy of errors and it's no wonder that it didn't take that time.

Wish me luck as the waiting continues....

God bless Google

2009-07-20T20:58:00.005+02:00

If you think about it, our Internet service providers probably know more about us than our good friends. If they wanted to snoop, they'd know our most private information. Consider what you've searched for recently on Google, for example.

My own search history would make my mother blush and my gynae laugh. In my baby-making quest (artificial insemination route) I've gone back to Biology 101, and I've generally been amazed at how little the average person, myself included, knows about fertilisation and fertility in general.

Recent embarrassing search entries have included: 'how to know when you're fertile', 'what is a basal body chart', 'eating right to fall pregnant', 'how long does sperm last', 'how long does frozen sperm last', 'how do you defrost sperm', 'how long does an egg survive', 'how does artificial insemination work', 'ovulation' and 'fallopian tubes'.

And that's just for starters. After my first insemination I found myself really scraping the Google barrel: 'time it takes to fertilise an egg', and 'will the sperm run out in urine'. Ho, ho, ho - at least I still have a sense of humour about it, but when you're spending thousands a try, you find yourself asking a lot of questions. All I can say is thank goodness Google is there to answer me, because I wouldn't even like to say some of these things out loud! By the time this is all over, I will be a mini-expert in a lot of strange areas!

Now I've just got one final google tonight: 'why is A.I sperm pink?' :-)

Life out of the closet for Melanie Lowe

2009-07-06T21:13:00.010+02:00

Adam Lambert isn't the only Idols runner-up coming out of the closet. On the other side of the world, in South Africa, talented musician Melanie Lowe recently came out in a local magazine interview. Her Story caught up with her to get the low-down on what's happened since then.

Her Story: Congrats on recently 'coming out' of the closet. It couldn't have been an easy decision to make, for you, given your celebrity status in SA. Mel, how long have you known that you were gay? There's a debate about nature or nurture. Which one do you think it was in your case?

Mel: I've known almost my whole life that I was different, I just didn't know what to call it! I knew from a very young age that I was drawn more to women than men. I remember that thought becoming apparent to me when I was in Junior Primary School! I only learnt the word "lesbian" when I was about 16 and then I still didn't associate that name with what I thought was my own personal problem. I didn't know there were others like me.

Regarding the nature vs nurture debate, I don't think anything is just black or white. There are always gray areas. Personally, I believe that I was born like this and no amount of heterosexual influence from my family, changed that! That's just how I am! I know some women who have had really bad experiences with men and, after years of abuse, made a conscious decision to rather date women. Perhaps they were always gay and they just never acknowledged it, or, at the risk of being shot down, perhaps they just made a decision based on being hurt too much. There are gay women who hate men intensely and that makes no sense to me. I think there is something underlying there because, being gay doesn't have to mean you hate men. You just can't fall in love with them. I don't hate men at all and none of my gay friends do. There are certain individuals, both male and female, that I don't see eye to eye with, but that comes down to that particular person and not their sex. I honestly can't speak about the "nature vs nurture" issue with any authority. I can only speak from my own experience. I know that I couldn't just decide to be straight and live a life with a man. I tried that. It didn't feel right. In fact it felt completely wrong! I tried to date men for my family's sake and also because I just wanted to not have to fight anymore and to be seen as "normal" by those around me. I was brought up in a very christian household. We never even spoke about gay people or homosexuality. It wasn't just NOT an option, it was a complete unknown quantity. My parents have been married fo

r 36 years and they are still just as in love as they were when they first got married. I have only had good examples of lasting love in a very heterosexual environment and yet I am 100% gay and because it was so unknown to me, it tipped my world onto its side. I questioned everything I was brought up to believe and I still do. My parents brought me up to have good morals and high standards and to be a good person and I retained all of that, but as for being gay, they were as innocent as I was about it all and yet, here I am, in love with, and marrying, a woman. The jury's still out on this topic, for me, clearly;)

Her Story: What's your advice to gay women out there, of any age, who may be grappling with their own sexuality or denying their attraction to women because they're afraid of being rejected or discriminated against?

Mel: Unfortunately, in some countries it's not just a fear of being rejected or discriminated against. There is a very real fear of being physically hurt and, in those situations I am at a loss for advice. I just think it's so horribly sad and it makes me realise how lucky I actually am. But if it is rejection you fear, I can speak on that, with authority, because I WAS rejected. When I was 19 years old I was given an ultimatum to change or leave. What choice did I have? I had to leave. It took 15 years for everyone to finally come around and they were hard years. I spent a lot of them alone, or going from one equally disastrous relationship to another because I hated myself and didn't feel I deserved any better. I was told repeatedly that I was something to be ashamed of and that I was going to hell and that I was no better than a child molester. The list of names was endless. I was told I couldn't be a teacher because it was thought I wasn't fit to be teaching children and I stopped my studies because I believed it was true. I wasn't welcome in the church, not that I would have gone anyway. By that time I had lost all faith in a God that, I felt, had let me down completely. I had begged him to cure me, so many times over the years and yet, there I was, an outcast because he hadn't listened to anything I'd asked. And then, after all that effort of coming out to my family, I went back IN the closet because, in all my confusion, I took a detour where I tried dating men about 8 years ago! I just got tired of all the antagonism and rejection. Round about that time I also suddenly became a household name and the fear of my past being discovered was so intense and so real that I didn't sleep for years! I imagined all manner of awful things happening when it did come out. Especially when I realised that I definitely was gay and started dating women again! The paranoia was magnified! I blew it out of all proportion in my mind until it nearly drove me mad. And I was, once again, the black sheep (pink sheep as I called myself!) of the family. All this probably only gives everyone reason to stay IN the closet! But there is a happy ending:) Those years were such a growing experience for me and I learnt so much about myself. They weren't easy lessons and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but now that I'm on the other side of them I can say I'm grateful. That whole experience taught me to ask questions, to find my own conclusions and for that reason I am 100% sure of who I am and what I believe. I would never have had the strength to come out publicly if I didn't have that knowledge behind me. When I finally found peace within myself and came out officially a month ago, I was well-received by the public and there has been 99% positivity in the feedback. The world is changing and more people are adopting the attitude of ,"Live and let live." My life has changed in so many good ways since I took the step and realised it was time to live my life honestly and with integrity. The peace you feel within yourself is impossible to describe until you experience it for yourself. I do think that, if you are going to take the step, you need to be strong enough in your belief in yourself and who you are, and it helps to have a supportive partner as well, because there will be some negative feedback. That's part of life. You can't please everybody. But you are doing this to be honest with yourself and the sense of freedom is worth any heartache. There are so many irrational fears when you are in the closet and, while you're in there, they're so hugely overwhelming it's scary. It's amazing though, that, when you open those doors and step out, the fear runs out faster than you can and fizzles away into nothing. It happens so swiftly that you wonder why you ever gave them room to breathe at all.

Her Story: I believe that your fans have been very supportive of you. How have those in the music industry reacted? Do you see this move as career limiting in any way or are indications there that it won't be a factor?

Mel: Everyone has been very supportive and I don't just mean my fans (who have been wonderful) but I also mean the media. Every interview I have done has been a positive interview. The journalists/DJ's/Presenters have all been so happy for us and we've had no negative press at all. It's quite incredible. I think this will affect my career as much as I allow it to actually. I really believe we did what was right for us. In terms of my music, I've always felt the hand of destiny on my career. When I went in the direction it pushed me, doors opened. When I fought it, doors slammed left, right and centre! Since we came out, doors have been opening in both our lives so I have to believe destiny is in the driver's seat and we are more than willing passengers!

Her Story: How is your music going to change, if at all, now that you are an 'out' woman?

Mel: My music is always changing as I grow as an artist and no doubt it will continue to do so but it's still inherently me. I think there will be a lot of songs surrounding this time in my life. They've started already!

Her Story: I believe you're writing again. Is there a new album on the horizon and what can you tell us about it?

Mel: I'm always writing and it's usually at times where there are big changes in my life, that I write the most which is why I'm writing so much now. My writing style has definitely taken a far more positive direction which would make sense;) In terms of an album, that is a given. I still have 100s of songs to record. I don't intend to stop!

Her Story: Musically, if you could sing a duet with anyone out there, male or female, who would it be and why?

Mel: So many brilliant artists, so little time;) I already had one dream come true in terms of that. Sarah Bettens, from K's Choice, came out to South Africa last year and I literally begged to be part of that tour! All the costs came out of my own pocket. I sang for free but it was so worth it. I have been a fan for many, many years. First and foremost she is an artist, and an extremely talented one at that. But she is also a gay woman so comfortable in her own skin, and so proud of who she is and she isn't afraid to talk about it. I was so fortunate, on the Durban leg of the tour, to be able to get up on stage next to her and sing "20 000 seconds" with her. I will never forget that moment. I could hardly sing past the lump in my throat. This was an idol of mine for about 13 years. I never dreamt I'd be in that position! It was one of those defining moments in my career when it dawned on me that ANYTHING can happen if you want it enough to make it happen. I sacrificed a lot for that tour and it was worth everything! Now... If someone could just warn Tori Amos that I have my sights set on her next;) I'm sending out a message to the universe!

Her Story: Which women - famous or not - are your role-models? And (I have to ask), who gets your heart racing?

Mel: In terms of role models, I look to Tori Amos for inspiration. I think Tori Amos is one of the most underrated artists in the industry. She is not mainstream at all, and shows no desire to be, and she is my biggest inspiration in terms of music, tenacity and integrity. She really struggled to hold onto that musical integrity. Record labels tried to get her to conform to their style but she remained true to herself and, through perserverance, she has built up an incredibly loyal following. Her fans truly love her as a person, and an artist. Her phenomenal success is due, entirely, to her not giving up and believing in her abilites despite all the odds stacked against her. She inspires me to perservere when I have those moments of thinking, "This is not working!" I just remember how she used to go from hotel to hotel playing piano for a handful of people eating their dinner, earning next to nothing, and then I think of where she is now and it gives me hope for my own future as an artist! And I have to say, the way she plays the piano certainly gets my heart racing!! But seriously, I have always been a one-woman kind of girl! When I'm with someone I love, my eyes only see them!

Her Story: This final question is an 'open mic' question. Is there anything you'd like to say to the readers out there?

Mel: I'd like to share my thoughts regarding the issue of gay marriage and the fact that it remains illegal in most states in America: I can understand people fearing something that they don't understand. We are all guilty of that on different levels. The danger comes in when you use that fear to negatively affect other lives, without a good understanding of the thing you fear. With knowledge, comes understanding, and with understanding, comes peace. Think about how you feel when watching a scary movie: When you hear the scary music, as the girl is walking into the room where you KNOW the murderer is hiding, the fear the music is creating, is based on the unknown. What will happen to her? Will she survive? Will he kill her? Once you know the outcome, be it good or bad, you breathe a sigh of relief and move away from the fear, even though the outcome may not have been what you wanted. The same applies to this kind of fear. It's fear of the unknown. But here's a suggestion: instead of merely saying, “I don't understand it,” or, “I've been told it's wrong,” DO YOUR RESEARCH, find out why and face that fear head on. Then, armed with that knowledge, if you have something intelligent to say about why you believe gay marriage is wrong, I will listen. BUT, if you tell me it's wrong, without a solid reason, I will not afford you that courtesy. That is not to say that I could ever even change how I am. That would be as ludicrous as asking someone to please remove their left arm as it's offending you! It can't be done without enormous pain and sacrifice and you would always know it was meant to be there. You cannot criticise someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. There's no better way to learn. Until you have done that, you can't decide that gay marriage is wrong. Everybody loves, and everybody deserves to honour that love in the form of a commitment, like marriage, if that is what they want and nobody has the right to take that away from them. I really hope that the world starts to open their eyes and I also believe that the best way we can educate people is if we come out. If more people know someone personally, who is gay, it will really start to change the world's perception and preconceived notions about gay people in general. Look what Ellen has done for the world! I'm nowhere near Ellen's level but I've always known the power that I held in my hands, to change lives. We all have that power. It's not easy and I think it's important that you only do it when you're ready. But you only get one shot at this particular life and I believe that living a life with honesty and integrity, will hold you in very good stead for what is still to come. It doesn't matter if people think of you negatively at first. They will get used to the idea when they realise that you are not going to change just because they don't like it. They will also realise that you are still the same person that they loved before you told them and it will immediately make them more receptive to the next gay person they meet. Never forget that you can do anything if you do it with confidence and people will respect those who respect themselves.

More about Melanie at www.melanielowe.com

Amazing Adam Lambert

2009-07-06T20:57:00.003+02:00

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to put fingers to the keyboard to say this: I Heart Adam Lambert! If I were a young gay guy I'd be salivating and rubbing my sticky hands together in glee. What an all round superstar: both for his amazing musical talent (he was bloody robbed of that title, although perhaps he's above it all) and for his unfazed coming out.

Of course we (the gay peeps) all knew he was family the moment he walked on stage, but I admire him for being so nonchalant about it in the Rolling Stone interview. I'll bet there were some who nearly choked on a hair-ball of mistress when the revelation was made, but Adam just says his sexuality is 'merely another part of me.' And so it is.

Well done Adam. We admire you for being so open and so true to yourself - and frankly, didn't expect anything less given how honest your music is. Ah-men, Adam!

Chastity undergoing sex change op

2009-06-13T23:06:00.004+02:00

I've just been reading about Chastity Bono and her transition to a man. I must say I am a little surprised about the move. Not because I know her or anything, but because - from reading her memoir, The End of Innocence - I didn't get the sense that she was uncomfortable in her skin. In fact, my impression about Chastity was that she enjoyed and celebrated being a woman.

The latest news, thanks to AP, is below. Image thanks to this site:

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Chastity Bono is having a sex change to become a man. A spokesman for Bono, born a girl to Sonny and Cher, says he "has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity" and began the sex-change process earlier this year. Publicist Howard Bragman said Bono is proud of his decision and hopes "that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue."

The 40-year-old writer, activist and reality-TV star came out as gay 20 years ago, Bragman said.

In the book "Family Outing: A Guide to the Coming-Out Process for Gays, Lesbians, & Their Families," Bono describes the realization of being "somehow different — specifically different from who my mom expected me to be."

A message left with Cher's representatives was not immediately returned Thursday.

Bono's second book, "The End of Innocence: A Memoir," details how relationships with Joan, a lover, and Sonny and Cher changed after coming out.

In 1995, Bono posed for the cover of the gay magazine The Advocate and began working for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD).

_____________________________________________________

All the best to Chastity. To be honest, it is not something that I can relate to. I have always loved being a woman, and never wanted anything else. But, it would be hypocritical of me to point a finger at anyone who is following their true destiny, and so, all the best to her.

Hot, hot, hot

2009-05-01T10:53:00.002+02:00

Discovered this video via One More Lesbian and thought it was worth sharing. I adore the opening scene from the L Word.

Hitting menopause at 30-something

2009-02-25T22:24:00.004+02:00

All I knew about menopause eight weeks ago was that it was not supposed to happen to me for a good 15 or so years. I'd half-heartedly heard my mom and her friends mentioning 'hot flushes' a few times, but apart from that I knew very little. We tend to only Google things when they are bearing down on us.

And so, it was a bit of a shock a few nights ago when I found myself typing the words 'hot flushes' into my Mac's Google bar. You see, menopause has hit me. And it's not as if I wasn't warned. It has been brought on, after all, by artificial means (Lucrin, but more about that later).

Let me rewind. Just before the end of 2008, a routine gynae appointment ended with the words: 'You need an operation. You have endometriosis." When I got home, that was another thing I had to Google. I am now an expert on the topic. And from not even being able to pronounce 'laparoscopy' I am now preparing for my second one.

I had my op a few days after that appointment. Turns out I had Stage 3-4 endometriosis (endo) and it was 'one of the worst cases' my doc had seen. Initially I was upset my previous gynae had not picked it up, but in hindsight, I should also have been more in tune with my body and identified it myself years ago. I thought I'd be in the hospital for a few hours and be discharged by the evening, but ended up having to stay the night (and almost a 2nd night). Most of the sites I'd researched had said it was a 30 min, same day procedure. If you're reading this because you're about to have the same op, be prepared: if they find signs of endo and they have to laser or burn the adhesions, your 'look see' op turns into a bigger procedure and you need to give yourself more time to recover than you'd probably thought. It wasn't scary, don't worry. It's just that it does take its toll on the body, although I also think mine reacted quite badly to the anesthetic.

When I got home at about 6.30pm the day after the surgery (which was at about 2pm), I was not the happiest soul. Two wonderful friends had to almost carry me up my steep flight of stairs and shower me, dry me off and help me into bed. Walking was very painful for a few days. I had expected the recovery to take about two days, but I was off work for five days, plus a full weekend, and even when I returned to work, my energy levels were very low. Granted, my op had been almost two hours long and my anesthetic had therefore been longer etc, but I think women going in for a similar procedure need to allow themselves more time to heal.

Anyway, I am showing signs of my early menopause now; forgetting my initial point! I was given an injection of Lucrin in hospital and was told I would need one every month for three months. It was to put my body into menopause so that the endo growths would quieten down. After that, I was assured, I could emerge from menopause.

I had my 2nd injection of Lucrin about 10 days ago, (it's very expensive at about R1770 a jab and takes at least 24-48 hours to order and my medical aid - Discovery - doesn't cover it) and my mild symptoms of menopause from month one when my body was obviously still absorbing the drug have turned into raging side effects.

My hot flushes which I thought were 'cute' a month ago, are now bloody irritating. They literally strike every 20 mins and I feel like a thermostat-controlled urn which boils every now and then and then goes into silent mode. I can be sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden, I can feel my arms stick to the desk and my face burn. It lasts only about two minutes at the most, but happens all day and all night long. Googling has revealed that every woman's body is different, so I this may not necessarily be your experience. I guess it may also not be mine: when I actually do go through the natural, real thing, it could be different for me. My other side effect seems to be memory loss. It's like fuzz these days!

Once my Lucrin course is over, I will have a second op to determine if all the endo is gone and I guess if the doc does find any, he will nuke it. I am hoping that this will be the end of it for a while! After that, as soon as my body recovers, I plan to start trying to fall pregnant. That, they assure me, is the ultimate cure. Ahh, but that is another post entirely!

Melting gay hearts around the world

2009-02-03T21:14:00.006+02:00

I am seriously impressed with Iceland. Reading about the country's new openly lesbian Prime Minister Johanna Sigurdardottir, sworn in on Sunday, (1 Feb 2009) made me think twice about going to Iceland one day on a holiday. How cool (excuse the pun) to be in a place where sexuality is secondary to competence; where tales of titillation about someone's sleeping partner are not told; where old and young show more concern for policy than prejudice. Well done to the Icelanders -- the rest of the world, including South Africa, could take a lesson from you.

South Africa may have the gay rights on paper but lesbians and gays are still being persecuted, sometimes killed, for who they love - especially in black townships. Homosexuality is still very much taboo in African culture, and even our presidential favourite, Jacob Zuma, has gone on record with comments that incite violence against gays. Not to mention that Zuma got off a rape conviction - just. The victim was a young lesbian who's since had to go into hiding, fearing for her life.

Contemplating a Zuma presidency, after election time around April/May is too awful to contemplate. It's also on totally the opposite spectrum to the appointment of the Iceland PM. I sincerely hope that South Africans learn more tolerance in this area, otherwise, God help us all. We'll have to flee to Iceland!

(Image courtesy of BBC News)

Power of the pink rand, contd

2008-11-24T21:28:00.004+02:00

I read some research today which backs up what we believe about the power of the pink rand/dollar/pound (insert your currency here). The research is flawed in that it's mainly male-oriented, but I think it's also interesting in a generalised kind of way, especially because it is entirely South African.

Below, I quote directly from an article on the research findings:

"Demographics show that 89% of respondents are white; 4.81% Coloured; 3.78% Indian and 2.41% black. The bulk of these respondents - 46.39% - are between the ages of 25 and 34.

Education and employment

Mapped against AMPS, a gay person is 12 times more likely to have a post-matric qualification than his/her heterosexual counterparts. Some 73% of respondents are employed full-time, usually in the professional, managerial or administrative sectors. 18.21% are self-employed.

Ebersohn highlights the fact that the respondents show an average personal income of R24,080 per month, some five times the average income in South Africa. “In many cases, we are dealing with DINKS - double income, no kids - with purchase decision making power.”

Activities

While most respondents came from Gauteng (64.60%) and the Western Cape (21.65%), the slant could be seen as having been influenced by media. Mapped against AMPS, this market is 20 times more likely to attend live theatre, opera and concerts; seven times more likely to go to movies and twice as likely to eat in restaurants as their counterparts.

There is also a propensity to be more active than the average in the AMPS universe, with 45.70% participating in walking/hiking; 39.52% jogging/running; 34.02% dancing; 22.68% taking part in adventure sports like skydiving and bungee jumping and even 18.56% enjoying fishing.

“This is a health-conscious market,” says Ebersohn, “who actively participate in activities that support a healthy lifestyle. Around 15% watch rugby, but there is not much appetite for boxing and wrestling.” DIY activities see a participation of 38.49% of this market, and 41.24% attend a gym. Cooking for pleasure, dining out, gardening and studying part time all feature on their list of activities, and some 47.77% take work home regularly.

According to the stats, this is a highly communicative and socially active group, with homosexuals 12 times more likely to send SMSs. Braais and dinner parties are high on the social agenda; around 67% enjoy shopping for pleasure and 54.64% read books.

The music favoured by this market is varied: They are nine times more likely to listen to hard rock; five times more likely to play heavy metal on their stereos; and many favour classical and Afrikaans music.

Shopping and travel

"Gays and lesbians in South Africa are prolific consumers," says Ebersohn. "Small electrical appliances (85.22%) and household accessories (84.19%) are high on their agenda, with furniture and large household appliances following closely."

Products bought using both cash or credit are usually from Game (84.19%), Makro (73.54%), Pick 'n Pay Hyper (72.51%) and Hi-Fi Corporation (70.10%). Incredible Connection, Hyperama/House and Home, Wetherleys/Osiers, Trade Centre follow fairly closely, with all the big name furniture brands named thereafter.

"It is interesting to note that respondents to this study showed a high propensity to use cash rather than credit," says Ebersohn. "Also that most gay and lesbian South Africans spend money on technology, verifying the modern and sophisticated lifestyles this community appears to live."

Clothing shopping is across the board, from Woolworths, Edgars, Truworths and Stuttafords through to Sportsman's Warehouse, Legit and Pick 'n Pay Clothing.

Some 97% of the samples indicate that they go away on holiday, with the prime destination being Cape Town (30.93%). Around 9% choose Durban and the same number opt to go abroad. Thailand, the USA, Italy and the UK are all favourite destinations, and 5.15% get away to African game reserves.

"This indicates that one in three of our respondents visit Cape Town, with their preferred method of travel being flying and then hiring a car on arrival," says Ebersohn.

While the study is ongoing and larger groups of respondents will be encouraged, the results so far are interesting to marketers: They demonstrate that DINKS does apply in this sector; that the community is mobile; and that this is a group that appears to be reasonably recession-proof."

So, what do you think? Agree? Disagree?

Identity....

2008-10-28T22:13:00.003+02:00

I had a fascinating conversation with a friend a few weeks back. She was telling me a story about a lesbian woman, who had recently undergone a sex-change operation (gender reassignment) and had posed with her lesbian lover for a photo shoot. A very dignified one. The interesting part is the question my friend posed.

"Now that she has undergone the gender reassignment, is she still a lesbian?"

It's a good question. She was with a woman before the op, when they were lesbians. So, what are they now? A straight couple? And if so, how does the lesbian in the equation feel?

I have to admit, I think I'd feel rather cheated. Being lesbian for me is all about loving women more. It's part of my identity, and its taken a long time to feel comfortable in my womym-lovin'-womyn skin. So yes, for me, I would feel cheated if my partner became a man.

I'm not trying to make light of what is no doubt a very real, and very serious and very agonising situation: I'm just saying that for me, I don't know if I could go through everything I have; come out as a lesbian with another woman as my partner, and then have to explain to the folks that I've gone straight, and so has my partner.

I feel equally sorry for the woman who marries the guy, and identifies as a straight person, only to discover that he actually wants to be a 'she'. Does this mean the wife is a lesbian? It's complex. I am sure that the partners in these difficult cases are special people, and if they chose to stand by their partner through the gender reassignment, they are no doubt ready for the consequences.

Ultimately, it's a case of live and let live. Each to their own.

Unappreciated talent

2008-10-09T21:57:00.004+02:00

South Africa has a lot of talented artists. We didn't used to think we did. Pre-1994 when we suddenly got legitimacy in the eyes of the world, thanks to our newfound democracy and the amazing Nelson Mandela, most of us thought anything local was inferior. In fact many of us used to try to avoid anything local. It couldn't be cool if it was local, we thought. I put this largely down to the apartheid hangover and the fact that shame was so embedded in so many of our psyche's that we just didn't have any national pride.

Things have changed in the intervening years though. Now we are partly ashamed of our political environment (it's not the same without Madiba!) but we're far more proud of our local artists. In SA terms, local truly is becoming 'lekker'. ('Lekker' - if you're not South African, means 'really nice/ cool'!)

I haven't known a lot about the South African music world, apart from what I hear on the radio. But I have come to realise in the last few months that our artists are truly under-appreciated and taken for granted. Very few of them have made it internationally. And, it's not because of a lack of talent. International appeal, in the Western world at least, seems to boil down to who you know and what you look like. And whether you've appeared on a U.S talent show or not.

The South African broadcasting regulatory body used to specify that SA radio stations play a certain percentage of local music. 10 years ago, it was a tough ask. Nowadays it's not though. So why have our artists not been given any airplay overseas (UK and US). It's certainly not that we are lacking in talent.

I love a number of our talented artists (and former artists), such as Just Jinger, Jennifer Ferguson, Juluka, Louise Carver, Tree63, Miriam Makeba, Watershed and the Melanie Lowe. I can only claim to have met and got to know one of the above: Melanie Lowe, and she is as lovely and good at what she does as she appears.

Melanie is a very determined, very talented, very driven artist who has literally been pursuing this dream since she was a young girl (when her dad bought her a guitar). She has had to fight for every opportunity she has been given and has earned her place on the SA music scene. Have a listen and see why I am a fan (this is one of her latest singles. Verrry nice!):

Good vibrations

2008-09-29T21:33:00.004+02:00

There was a lovely moment on Saturday night, when a gay friend - who's fairly proper and not prone to disclosing anything too intimate - admitted she'd had a recent education on sex toys.
Gay girls, in South Africa at the very least, are - in my experience - rather prone to having very, very strong views on sex toys. You're either for them, or totally against. And the reason, most likely, that women are against them is that the only toy people seem to talk about is the dildo, and using this is often perceived as being anti-lesbian; or trying to emulate a straight relationship. Why, some have asked, would we want a fake penis when we don't even want the real thing?

Not a bad question, and one that I've certainly encountered a few times.

But on Saturday, my friend said a recent movie she'd seen had made her see sex toys in a different light. I think she'd actually watched Claire of the Moon (yes, I know it's old, but it was new to her) and in it, there was a debate over sex toys. The character in the film put forward the argument that sex toys were positive props in lesbian pleasure and so my friend has suddenly seen the light - hence our conversation the other night. This largely revolved around the dildo versus vibrator. My mate said she'd always equated a vibrator with a dildo, and now that she knew the difference (blame it on a lack of sex shops in SA!) she wanted to try the former with her partner. Her partner, incidentally, looked very pleased at the prospect, and I have no doubt that they will be hunting online, or in store if they dare (at the hetro-positioned Adult World we have) for a perfect vibrator that appeals to them both. Please, you can even get a vibrator that vibrates to the beat of the music on your iPod! That's when a high energy playlist is a must! :-)

My view is that as long as both partners are in agreement, experimenting is part of a healthy relationship.

This brings me to another topic, and a rather grisly one at that. Sex toys, in my view, should not be recycled across relationships. If you're involved with someone and have a tog bad full of toys, great. If you break up though, toss 'em please. They should not be the legacy of one of you. Noone really wants sloppy seconds!

Fighting for our rights

2008-09-26T23:31:00.005+02:00

A friend of mine in London emailed me tonight to ask me to post something about the situation in Iraq. Gays and lesbians are being targeted there, and in the last week or so a gay activist was gunned down in a barber's chair in Baghdad. Freedom, it seems, really is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Read what's been happening below (off the Guardian website)

"The "improved" security situation in Iraq is not benefiting all Iraqis, especially not those who are gay. Islamist death squads are engaged in a homophobic killing spree with the active encouragement of leading Muslim clerics, such as Moqtada al-Sadr, as Newsweek recently revealed.

One of these clerics, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, issued a fatwa urging the killing of lesbians and gays in the "most severe way possible".

The short film, Queer Fear – Gay Life, Gay Death in Iraq, produced by David Grey for Village Film, documents the tragic fates of a several individual gay Iraqis. It is a truly poignant and moving documentary about the terrorisation and murder of Iraqi lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.

Since this film was made, the killings have continued and, many say, got worse. For gay Iraqis there is little evidence of the transition to democracy. They don't experience any newfound respect for human rights. Life for them is even worse than under the tyrant Saddam Hussein.

It is a death sentence in today's "liberated" Iraq to love a person of the same sex, or for a woman to have sex outside of marriage, or for a Muslim to give up his or her faith or embrace another religion."

More details here

'I kissed a boy..'

2008-09-15T21:20:00.006+02:00

A conversation with some gay boys this weekend got me thinking. I was showing off videos of a few of Katy Perry's singles. She's been at the top of the US and UK charts with "I kissed a girl" for several weeks now, and I have to admit that I love the song, despite it being tweeny fluff - probably pitched at adolescent guys.

But us gay girls are so starved of mainstream music that we all sing along when we hear Katy, even though she's so quick to point out she only tried it with 'drink in hand' and that she dearly hopes her 'boyfriend don't mind it.'

I like to think we're evolved enough to enjoy the song, and I got a good kick out of it when I walked into a conservative Muslim-owned cafe the other day, and it was playing over the speakers!

Anyway, back to that conversation with the boys. The one commented that he didn't really see a song with the lyrics 'I kissed a boy, and I liked it' becoming a commercial success. Not if it was sung by a guy, that is!

Our homophobia is such that we allow fantasies of girl-on-girl action, but male-on-male sexual activity is still taboo to even talk about in casual straight conversation, let alone to sing about.

Why is lesbianism more acceptable? Male fantasy plays a role. The average 'bloke' would love to get between two women in the sack. Women are also more comfortable showing affection in public, and you're not deemed lesbian if you hug or kiss a girlfriend in public.

Back in the 1880's, rumours are that Queen Victoria refused to criminalise lesbianism (along with gay sex) because she didn't believe sex between women was possible.

I don't know if that is true or not, but the belief that sex between women is not as serious or significant as hetero sex is commonplace. And so, men, in particular, feel less threatened. Especially if the women look like Katy Perry. Put two diesel dykes together and it'd be another story completely.

Would you like that 'normal' sir?

2008-08-29T22:48:00.004+02:00

I've just returned from a most amusing dinner out at a Durban restaurant. It's a trendy pizza place (should I name it?) and it was, as I say, a most humourous evening - for all the wrong reasons!

Close friends of mine had wanted to introduce me to friends of theirs, and the couple in question was just lovely: witty and warm. They're also into their food, and when the sewerage smell started wafting towards us the first time, it was a little embarrassing. Sadly, that terrible smell continued to waft in (dominate) throughout the entire evening and the friend of a friend summed it up when he said: "Hey, shit happens!"

The second clanger of the evening was when the young blond male waiter, who obviously sensed the table was full of queens (barring me of course! I was the only real girl in the house) came to get the money. Two of us paid by credit card, which he did niftily at the table with one of those bluetooth machines. He first processed one of the queen's cards, and did not quite know what to say when it came time to ask him if he wanted it budget or straight, and so he said: "Would you like that er... normal?"

'No,' the queen answered, 'straight, please'!

I tell you what, there wasn't a straight face at the table!

Anne Heche must be green with envy!

2008-08-29T22:12:00.005+02:00

When I read that Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi had exchanged vows at their L.A home, my immediate thought was: how must Anne have felt? Looking at the gorgeous pics, the term: ''green with envy' came to mind!

Ellen is my hero from her coming out episode in her legendary sitcom back in about 1997/8. If you've seen "Ellen: In the Beginning" you will see how she describes how she suffered, career wise, as a result of her bravery. Even Hollywood was not ready for a dyke, it seems!

That's why I was so pleased to see how lovely they both looked. I also love the fact that it was the cover story on People Magazine and it was presented in a tasteful, non-sensational manner.

Was a little surprised to see that Ellen is 50 (50 is the new 40!) and that Portia is only 35.

All I hope now, is that they manage to stay together. A gay 'divorce' is not what we need from this union. Show 'em we can do commitment! You go girls!

I do. No, I don't. Er, I dunno!

2008-07-16T21:58:00.001+02:00

Good friends of mine are getting 'married' in England this weekend. I really wish I could have flown over for the occasion. They've been together for umpteen years - through thick and thin. They still drink champagne together on special occasions and regularly go away for mini jaunts to lovely places. Not only am I really sad not to be able to be there for the 'I do, I do' moments, I am also secretly yearning to be at a rainbow wedding! Since SA legalised gay marriage several months ago, I have not been invited to a single gay wedding.

And that's not to say I don't know any gay people: I do, honest! It's just that the gays and lesbians apparently aren't jumping to take the proverbial plunge. They're not leaping to walk down the aisle. Which begs the question: why? Is it that we are not the marrying type, or are gays and lesbians reluctant to tie the knot the heterosexual way? Is there an aversion to the concept of marriage? Or are we traditionally poor at commitment?

My personal take is that we haven't been thinking marriage, and so now that it's a possibility, we're a little taken aback. We need to take stock and get used to the notion, slowly and surely, and also make it our own. Marriage, in my books, is all-too hetro. It's also all-too biblical: a man and a woman declare their love before God. The cynic in me says that marriage among hetro's often works because kids come along and give the couples a reason to stay together! Yes, I did say that was the cynical view! Of course there are those who stay in love and have the groove, and know how to move and shake and stay attracted and remain faithful and respectful of one another. In my experience though, and judging by my straight married mates, these are few and far between. And who are we to speak? The gays are not great at staying together for life. 3-4 years is 'good'; 10 plus is a bloody miracle. Then there are the living historical figures who've attained the 20-plus milestone. Because gay years are really like doggie years. One gay year is like three or four straight years together. Don't ask me why - it just seems that way. So the 20-plus milestone is more like 30-40 years. And, no public declaration to keep them together, just love, love, love! And bloody hard work!

I digress though. Why is it that the gays and lesbians don't seem to truly settle? If I look at a fairly large handful of friends and acquaintances, quite a few seem to methodically be going through all the available options in town. Swopping and moving from partner to partner over the months and years. Do we settle for second best because of the limited pool of people? Do we settle for a warm body in our beds for a while, because it beats sleeping alone in the cold? Or are we just more honest and more realistic about partnerships and what they mean? Do we just understand that people aren't meant to be together for life?

I don't know what you think. Your experiences will define that. For me though, I think I do believe in commitment and love and honour and respect. I'd rather sleep alone that with a hot-water bottle and I do still believe there are people out there meant for us. Yes, I admit it. I am still a romantic. Does this mean I believe in gay marriage? Hmm, well, I am not sure about that. I do believe in commitment ceremonies though; in partnerships and in really gay affairs in the name of love. And I also believe in the right for everyone to choose what best works for them. Ultimately, if we can be together and love one another for a long, long time though, it doesn't matter what we call it.

Her-story in the making

2008-06-16T22:11:00.002+02:00

On January 11, 1997 television history was made. The first prime time lesbian kiss was aired on US TV in the series Relativity, and it got many tongues a-wagging. Some wagged for good reasons and some, the right wing or religious fanatics, wagged 'em tongues for all the wrong reasons. Regardless, it was a television milestone. According to afterellen.com, Relativity also made history for being the series that also offered the first recurring lesbian character who was a central part of the cast.

Sarah Warn of afterellen.com writes:

"Rhonda is played by Lisa Edelstein, who has starred or guest-starred in several television shows and movies, most recently Leap of Faith and Felicity and movies like Keeping the Faith and What Women Want. Rhonda's love interest is Suzanne, played by Kristin Dattilo who currently stars in Showtime's The Chris Isaak Show (and was Janie in the Aerosmith video for "Janie's Got a Gun").

The kiss didn't happen until the 13th episode, named "The Day the Earth Moved" because the theme of the episode revolves around earthquakes, sex, and life-changing decisions. The episode weaves several threads involving multiple characters in and out of each other in a humorous and thoughtful way, and a storyline which follows Rhonda and Suzanne's introduction, their first date (albeit an unusual one), and their first kiss. (For those who didn't see the episode, I've provided an episode recap below.)

Relativity was ground-breaking not only because of the kiss, but for the natural and almost casual way it portrayed the lesbian characters and their relationship with each other, as well as their relationships with other characters on the show. At the time, it was one of the first shows ever to treat its lesbian characters just like the other (heterosexual) characters on the show, with no attempt to sensationalize their relationship or the kiss. The lesbian characters are very likable, and they are treated with affection and supported by the other characters--for once, no one has any "issues" with their sexuality (besides Isabelle's initial surprise at her friend's sexual orientation, since Isabelle had only known her to date men previously).

Also unusual was the show's casual use of the words "lesbian" and "dyke" (in a positive way) in conversation among the characters--another television first (and unfortunately still not that common today).

This episode, like the series, was also a consistent mix of funny, sweet, and serious, with complex characters and an entertaining and realistic storyline.

The series only lasted a few more episodes after this one before being cancelled by ABC due to low ratings--despite considerable critical acclaim--bringing the final total to 17 episodes. None of the subsequent episodes featured the relationship between two women except the last one, in which Leo and Rhonda's grandfather has a heart-attack, and Suzanne accompanies Rhonda to the hospital, where she is introduced by Rhonda to the doctor as "my lover."

Conservative Christians and other critics were up in arms when this episode debuted. Tim Wildmon, Vice-President of the American Family Association (AFA) issued a press release at the time denouncing the kiss on Relativity and criticizing the series for taking television "where it has never gone before" by showing "caressing, nuzzling and passionate, open-mouthed kissing" between two women."

Like I said, tongues were a-wagging! :-)
So, to see that piece of gay history, load it up below and check it out.

Step to it....

2008-06-16T21:53:00.003+02:00

I hate to only write something on this blog after watching a TV programme (like I've done with Terminator, the L Word and others) but... I've just watched the third episode of Army Wives and there was a little scene between two of the main characters, Claudia Joy and Denise (Kim Delaney and Catherine Bell of JAG) and that made me think it could just head into lesbian turf down the line. It got my attention enough to send me to the Internet, Googling 'Army Wives lesbian' and while there doesn't seem to be any gay sub-plot down the line (sob, sob) I was glad to see I'm not the only one to have had this thought.
Check out this 'what if' montage on You Tube which manipulates scenes to make it very, very gay..
Oh and before you get there, consider this: how plausible the love relationship seems between these two women -- the acting and script really is quite good on how close and intimate women are with one another.

Alanis is back

2008-05-17T22:41:00.001+02:00

Yay, she is back - about to release her new album in the next few weeks. Here's a sneak preview. Isn't she awesome?

Very blind...

2008-05-12T22:32:00.000+02:00

They don't call them 'blind dates' for nothing! And boy, can they be a leveler. Let me explain. Over the years, friends have tried to set me up with a 'blind date' and over the years, I have resisted. Until recently that is, when I realised that unless I took any and every available lead, I may end up needing to invest in a Q-20 company. And so I said 'yes' and they set me up. And boy, oh boy, has it been interesting - to say the least. You think someone knows you until they set you up with someone. Then you get to the dinner / coffee/ drink venue and you sit across from the 'blind date' and you start to have a mental dialogue with the person formerly known as 'friend'. 'How can you do this to me?' has been a phrase that's crossed my mind on more than one occasion. 'Are you bloody mad?' is another. All the while, I've sat through the very bloody blind date, making cute conversation about what a good friend the common bloody betrayer is, and trying to think how I'm going to get away from this situation without hurting anyone in the process. In fairness, the 'blind date' is probably thinking the exact same thing and we could probably have a grand old laugh at the expense of our 'common' friend who thought we'd be good together.

Oh dear. It hasn't been too fruitful yet. Although I do persist, just in case one day, there is a real gem I'd kick myself for not meeting.

Terminally terminal

2008-05-11T21:57:00.004+02:00

Over the past week, I've ploughed through Season 1 of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I didn't think I'd like it, to be honest. I had Arnie and 'I'll be back' in my mind, but I was so wrong. It's far more than the cheesy actor-turned-politician dishing bad one-liners. And why am I a convert?

Two words: Lena Headey.

She is amazing. I think I'm more of a fan because of her role in Imagine Me and You - where she played the delectable lesbian florist intent on giving the object of her affection those lilies. But in Terminator, she is awesome. I think I'm terminally in love with a TV character.

*sigh*

Coming out of the closet

2008-05-04T11:26:00.003+02:00

LOVE this cartoon off www.thegaycartoonsite.com

Why us?

2008-03-17T21:16:00.005+02:00

I've been watching Nip Tuck 5, and was delighted to see Ellen's partner, Portia de Rossi, in the series. She's gorgeous, and a far cry from that backtracking Anne Heche. So, I get very excited to see that she plays Julia MacNamara's new love. And then, it all seems to go awry. Why are all the lesbians unbalanced? Why are they so bloody flawed? Can they not make a normal, balanced lesbian who happens to look gorgeous and kick ass in the bedroom at the same time? In Nip Tick, the character played by Portia has a psycho daughter who any lesbian would be ashamed to name her own. Man, oh man, why can't the dyke just have a normal, well-adjusted kid? Is it too much to ask? Does anyone have any viewpoint on this one? If so, I'd love to hear your theories.

Oh dear, what's going on?

2008-02-08T22:35:00.000+02:00

I have to admit to feeling a little apprehensive about dear old sunny South Africa ever since electricity became a luxury item. It all began more than a year ago in Cape Town, but here in Durban, we weren't really affected at all and so we didn't panic. Then, all of a sudden, it hit us. About two weeks ago, there were daily blackouts in suburbs around SA, causing absolute havoc for those running businesses from home; those trying to raise kids and those trying to cook dinner.

It became a national crisis. We didn't have enough power, they said. Holy crap, you've got to be kidding. It was first a case of denial, then anger and then slowly, acceptance. Most of still grappling with the latter phase. But I've gone out and bought a gas stove; gas lights; candles and ethanol based two plate cooker and lights. Remnants of the brownie in me coming out: be ready for any situation.

In the interim, I am wondering how this would impact on my relationship status. I think I could actually have quite a lot of fun with the lights out if I had a hot partner to share the non-air-conditioned atmosphere with. Applicants apply via this blog!!! x

Pitter patter time. Or not.

2007-11-27T21:02:00.000+02:00

I was quite surprised recently by the reaction of a group of friends, to the statement by myself that I might be keen to have a baby in the next few years.

What came as a surprise, was the very vocal disapproving response from most of the group. "Are you serious? - Do you know that it's for life?" were some of the questions posed. I engaged because I was interested in the debate and hadn't expected to encounter resistance from a group of lesbians.

I'd thought they would cheer me on and offer to babysit. It's a big decision after all and I was a solo participant-to-be.

So, why the resistance? I'd thought that most women had the innate urge to have a child. I'd supposed that if you hadn't been a mother, there would be - at some level, even if it was a very deep one - a sense of loss. I know this is what it would surely feel to me if I never had a child.

Interesting new perspectives were raised. They genuinely didn't regret not having a baby, in fact most of the women in the group were actively grateful at how their lives had turned out. They didn't display any hidden signs of being in denial or having pushed down the maternal instinct at all.

Hell no, they said, we're grateful not to have been tied down. It was, after all, a different era as well when they had been my age (most of the group was over 50).

Anyway, what I learnt is that there is no single answer. There are only answers for each individual. We are all so different and therefore we will all make different decisions in our lives. It only makes them different; not right or wrong.

I am not sure what will happen in the next few years. I would love a child of my own, but as a single lesbian, it would be very difficult for me to make it happen. Not from a biological perspective - that's the easy part. I'm talking about the things beyond that: being on my own and raising a child; being a gay woman and raising a child.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Whatever it is, I am sure of one thing: I don't want any regrets, either way!

SA needs to wake up and smell the 'pink' rand

2007-10-13T18:20:00.000+02:00

Marketing and tourism people talk about the 'pink rand'. Basically, gay money. Disposable income that can be used on lifestyle consumer items: travel; home decor; appliances etc. It's supposed to pack a powerful pink punch. So, why aren't more SA companies wooing the gay market?
I can't think of a single, mainstream advert in the national press or on any medium which is designed to get me to take note and encourage me to spend my money there. All I can think of by way of explanation is the no-one is brave enough to target the gay rand openly, because we still have a bigoted society that advocates for an openly homophobic man, Jacob Zuma, to become our next president.
Ok, so that's very sad. Look how Cape Town has benefitted from pink money? They've been clever about their strategy and it has paid off. We've obviously got a long, long walk to freedom.
So, even if there aren't big adverts appealing to the market, the one sector that should be very sussed and seductive towards gays and lesbians is the tourism sector. Right?
Not so. Maybe in the Mother City they are, but in KwaZulu-Natal, I constantly hear of cases where gay couples book for a weekend away somewhere and the place assumes that if there are two, they must be a straight couple. One friend who was trying to book a romantic birthday weekend away at a spa was asked "and would your wife like any treatments?" Er, no! But my boyfriend certainly would! He actually had to tell her that his partner was another man. "Oh," she said in reply.
How outdated that we need to out ourselves - much to the surprise of the venue hosts. They should be trained to assume nothing. If I book a double bed, don't rush around when I arrive with my girlfriend and give me a room with twin beds. Please, I know what I want.
What I am trying to say is that the tourism sector, from the smallest B&B to the biggest hotel, needs to wake up and smell the pink rand. It's a wonderful, lucrative market. Just show us some real hospitality!

How the tourist accommodation sector can become more gay-friendly. Some practical tips:

1. When someone books - it doesn't matter who - don't assume it's Mr and Mrs. Use gender neutral language.
2. If you ask for names and figure out that the two who are sharing a room are of the same sex, don't assume they're friends. They may be partners and they will want a double bed.
3. Keep your personal feelings out of it. Don't give us 'oh!.." or attitude.
4. Realise that we will talk about our experience and spread the word that yours is gay friendly / non gay friendly venue.

Which L-Word?

2007-10-13T17:27:00.001+02:00

I am a 30-something year-old woman. I pay my taxes; I tend to my roses; I am loyal, I am successful, I love to make people laugh; I’m a snob when it comes to loo paper (double ply, please!); I am old enough to remember the collapse of the Berlin Wall but young enough to know what the Rainbow Nation is. I see the glass as half-full; I own my own home; I can never remember the punch line; I am a coffee drinker and I am a lesbian. Actually, make that ‘a gay woman’. Not because I’m part of some tambourine-jangling fraternity but because – when coming out - it’s always been far easier to utter the three-letter description over its multi-syllabled partner: ‘les-b-ian’.

I have decided to share my story because I can – and because I get tired of paging through magazines or flipping through channels trying to find my story.

The crux of the matter is that despite more constitutional freedom and protection than ever before, it’s still pretty difficult being a lesbian. Hatred and discrimination are difficult to shove back in the closet.

Clothes fill mine, by the way. Although from time to time I get waay back in there (to do a little dusting, mind you!) – but also to reflect on how far I’ve come and how far I’ve yet to go. I’ve always believed in being straight-to-the-point about my multi-syllabled sexuality - with anyone who’s anything to me. I’m delighted to say, most have been very accepting and, as the years have crept by, I’ve become more adept at spitting it out. I’ve also noticed that the thirties have produced in me a new, quiet inner confidence. I am less worried about what people think on the one hand and more resigned that, on the other, I will always care to some degree.

But it worries me that popular culture is turning ‘being gay’ into a trend; a fashion accessory – something to try on for size. It worries me that ill-informed journalists writing one-sided accounts of attempts to legalise gay ‘marriage’ – are feeding fears that the overall plot is to take over society and impose ‘our will’. It worries me that many, many men – including some of my friends – still fantasise about two women getting it off or, better still, coming to their rescue and showing them ‘the way’. It worries me more that countless black lesbians – in townships around South Africa – are being ‘shown the way’ more forcibly; are being beaten and raped and punished for loving women.

Because, here’s the deal. It’s not about hating men. It’s about loving women more. For most of the gays and lesbians I know (I’ve polled it, honest!) – it’s not about waking up one day and deciding ‘Hey, to hell with tradition, I want to be different!’ It is an agonising, protracted process which, for many – involves much denial, a great deal of confusion and self-doubt, the overwhelming desire to conform, the rejection of oneself and many other hideous things – before there is realisation that there must either be self acceptance or self denial and lies. And try being a gay teen. Nothing could be more alienating. When I was fifteen and trying to get my tongue around those three-syllables, I honestly thought I was the only person in the world like me. So much for our supposed built-in ‘Gay-dar’. This was either malfunctioning spectacularly or mine had been substituted with a ‘shit-detector’. Because while I couldn’t tell who else was gay, I sure could smell insincerity from a hundred paces off.

I believe that every parent needs to ask themselves how they would react if their child came to them and confided that they thought they were gay. Or if their child came home and said they’d met someone at school who was gay; or had gay parents. Your reaction will have immeasurable impact. Consider it carefully please – and rather cry silently than compare being gay to shop-lifting or worse. Sometimes giving a child wings to fly is the most important thing you’ll do as a parent – even if they happen to be fairy wings.

Representation and misrepresentation

2007-10-10T17:18:00.001+02:00

I’ve been reading a book called ‘The Jane Austen Book Club’ which just happens to have a lesbian character in it. She’s not a central focus of the book but just happens to be somewhere on the landscape. And that’s when I noticed it. The ‘scavenging.’ We’ve all done it at one time or another. Scavenged through some or other content to find that which we can relate to best. The athlete may search for athletic content; the new mom, anything to do with babies; and the gay person looks for ‘gayness’!

Novels are one thing. There isn’t much gay reading material out there. Try finding a gay section in your local book store for one thing. They’re not easy to find. And if there is one, they’re often embarrassingly positioned right opposite the ‘religious’ section, or next to the ‘psychology’ area. But that’s another issue.

Television on the other hand is slowly embracing gay and lesbian themes. When 'The L Word' hit our small screens a few years back, all the girls with Mnet thought we’d struck gold. ‘An exclusively lesbian series? No way?!’ Yes way! But even that was flawed. The one thing I just could not understand was why every advert bracket seemed to be filled with spots appealing to Afrikaans men. Boere-musiek CDs were advertised as were other male-oriented products. Didn’t see any lesbian-related ads there. No Indigo Girls or kd lang CDs up for grabs; no Subaru adverts trying to sell us cars. Didn’t even see any women-oriented ads, like tampon adverts or ones advertising lipstick or shampoo for goodness sake. I mean what could the brief have been for those Mnet sales execs: ‘Um, we’ve got a lesbian show so let’s go out there and try to sell some Kilpdrift and coke and Boere-musiek CDs.” Missed opportunity there. Don’t they know the power of the Pink Rand? Eish.

Anyway, I digress. My point is that there we were still grateful for the token gesture. The series was full of gorgeous women who did all sorts of amazing things. And despite the fact that I’ve yet to come across real-life-lesbians who’re like those 'L Word' divas, we loved and supported the series because they did occasionally (very occasionally) reflect our lives. Any lesbian reading this now (who has also followed the series), knows exactly what I am talking about. Alice’s legendary wall-drawings of women and their ex-partners springs to mind.

But ‘The L Word’ is the exception. Most of the time, gay people have to ‘sift’ like crazy through hours of television to find any representation of who and what they are. The recent debate in the US over the inclusion (or rather exclusion) of black actors in movies and TV programmes is a similar parallel. Token gestures abound. And sometimes they’re the worst characters on the block. When you only crack the nod in one in 100 shows and you’re depicted as an evil, psychopathic manic (as in Andrew on Desperate Housewives); or the depraved (Bad Girls); or the unfeeling bitch (ER’s Carrie Weaver) – it gets frustrating. It gets a little depressing when you’re represented as all of these things, when really you’re just the girl or boy next door, who happens to love someone of their own sex.

Stereotypes are easier to handle though I guess. The dyke-lesbian everyone can safely spot from a hundred paces away or the limp-wristed queen who’s depicted as so impotent that no one could possibly be offended, dahling. It’s a little harder to find meaningful plots with meaningful characters who just happen to be gay (as a by-the-way, as most straight characters are depicted).

And so, for the time being, we will have to be content with the tokens, and the occasionally all-out-goodies, such as 'The L Word', and just head for the kitchen when those Boere-musiek CD adverts come on.

But come on people. One in ten is a significant market. Perhaps it’s even a scavenger hunt! Speaking of which, I'd better get back to my book. I'm still hopeful that this lesbian character will develop into something more.

Oh-my-but-she's-gorgeous...

2007-09-16T16:05:00.000+02:00

I finally watched the 2005 Charlies Angels parody D.E.B.S and have to admit that depite the many cheesy aspects, I loved it. Well, ok, I loved the amazingly gorgeous girls in it, mainly Jordana Brewster. Oh-my-oh-my.. she is just flawless.
I have since Googled her furiously and managed to find this video on You Tube which is pretty good (although the song is pretty crap!). Enjoy!

The new guy...

2007-09-01T22:05:00.000+02:00

"Have you checked out that new guy? Definitely gay..."

Irritating becomes lovely...

2007-08-26T18:17:00.000+02:00

Here's a completely new sound to Rihanna's irritating Top 20 song, Umbrella, as sung by Mandy Moore. Call me old-fashioned, but I much prefer this version!

Do you remember...?

2007-08-22T21:18:00.001+02:00

A gay girl's first kiss is a memorable thing. It's especially memorable because it tends to happen when we're older than our straight counterparts. Some of us just take longer to figure out we actually want to kiss a girl more than we want to kiss a boy; others know early on but don't have the means to 'get connected' until later in life.
For me - as far as kissing was concerned - I had a little of both: boys and girls. Well, one girl to be precise.

She was my best friend. A cute little blonde with blue eyes. We were at senior primary together and we had a rather passionate love affair (for 11 or 12 year olds) back in the early 80s. Looking back, she was my first 'love' but in a very innocent way. We explored our sexuality together and kissed and had regular sleepovers. It was a wonderful friendship and lasted until she was wrenched away from me when her dad was transferred out of our home town.
I was distraught.

She is now married with kids. I am not. I often wonder if she remembers our 'love' and more importantly, how she remembers it.

After that, it seemed that the boy route was a logical one. After all, my one true love had left. For me, the boy-girl kissing was fairly easy. I remember stealing kisses with various boy classmates from about 12 years on. Std 5 (about 12 years going on 13) was when I had my first French kiss with a boy though. Prior to that evening, I remember a couple of us practising on our hands. Hmm, knowing me, I probably wanted to practise on my girl friends!
Anyway, that kiss was fairly average. A bit gross actually if you must know, as it was quite hard to coordinate the breathing and the kissing and the eyes closed all at the same time. Fortunately, this improves with practise!
My point is that in my day (and I say that because maybe things are different now) you were very unlikely to meet a girl and start dating. So, you went with the flow and met a boy.
As the teenage years wore on though, my yearning and need to be with a girl grew. It became no longer possible to go with the flow.
What angst and turmoil there was during those years. I remember feeling so alone and so misunderstood.
So, by the time I had my first real kiss - as an adult woman - with another woman, I was 18. She wasn't someone I knew very well. She was older than me and we never kept in contact after that night, but it was wonderful and special and felt so right nonetheless.
I finally felt as if I'd come home. Actually, we ended up doing a lot more than kissing, but that's another story entirely!

*** Why don't you share your first kiss story with me? Email me or post your comment here. ***

Alanis does My Humps!

2007-08-19T18:01:00.000+02:00

I stumbled upon this YouTube of my all-time favourite artist, Alanis Morissette, having some fun with my all-time worst, Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas. Here she is, adding some class to what I otherwise think is a crap song...My Humps done the Alanis way:

Fascinating objects of desire?

2007-08-12T21:45:00.000+02:00

Lesbians remain a source of fascination for many men. We're viewed with amusement by some; while others are in awe of us - hoping to catch a bit of the action if they play their cards right.
Ironic really. The last thing most women loving women want to do is play in the male fantasy arena. We are who we are simply because that is the way things are. Nothing more and nothing less. So, in short, we are not likely to play in the male arena. Ever. Most of us anyway. Those that do require another label, perhaps? Straight. Insecure. Bi?
You choose.
Isn't it interesting that most women don't sit and fantasize about getting in between two gay men - in bed. I've never once heard a female friend say something like 'Jeez, Tom and Dick are such a hot couple, I'd like to get in the middle of those two!'
Nope, it doesn't happen. We would rather be heard saying: 'Tom and Dick have such a gorgeous home. I do hope they can help me with my lounge curtains, like they've offered. It would be such a help.'
Think of the average conversation between two male buddies about Delia and Jackie, the couple from down the hall. Ja right, I rest my case!
Pity more straight men out there aren't thinking like women (or like gay men!). We'd have more respect in our world, more communication and better looking lounge curtains!

Bi-what?

2007-08-06T19:14:00.000+02:00

Most of my lesbian friends are women loving women. They don't hate men, they just love women more. They're attracted to women. It's women who get the old heart rate going and make the knees weak. Very few are bisexual. Often you find it's the straight girls who're trying being gay on for size who use that word. "I don't choose a man or a person. I can't control who I fall in love with and sometimes it's a man and sometimes it's a woman."
Ja, right. In lesbian speak that means: "Well, if I admit it deep down I'm probably lesbian but I'm not sure how well that would go down so I'll straddle the fence," orrr it means: "Well, being gay is so in fashion right now I'll try anything but really, when it comes down to it, I prefer men."
Hmmph. Either way, many of us are sceptical of bisexuals. My recent experimentation with a lesbian dating site is a good example. I clearly stated in my little anonymous profile that I was a woman seeking a lesbian woman. Yet, every single email I've received inviting me to write back has been from a frigging 'bisexual' woman seeking a woman to join her and her man; to be part of her threesome - her boyfriend's wet dream of woman on woman come alive, no bloody doubt.
Double hmmph.
No thanks. Hit delete. Where are the real lesbians? Maybe I need to go to a straight site, fill in a profile for a woman seeking sensitive man and I could maybe just meet a lesbian. It's all very confusing and very tiring.

Heavenly delights, indeed

2007-08-02T21:24:00.000+02:00

I recently saw Nina's Heavenly Delights at the Durban Film Festival. It was a surprise gem and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Nice seeing a movie set in Scotland with thick Scottish accents! And both lasses are lovely indeed!!
Enjoy this montage off YouTube:

Dress sense

2007-07-28T21:21:00.000+02:00

Why is that most lesbians - apart from the silicone creatures on The L Word - dress rather conservatively? Even we are guilty of sussing out a stranger by her dress sense (or lack of it). If she's in pantihose, high heels, a sexy little skirt and bearing a healthy cleavage, we're unlikely to say 'dyke', under our breaths, as we tend to do when in packs. We see a sensibly dressed woman on the other hand; one who is wearing a practical pair of pants and a well worn pair of shoes (flat, of course) and we smile at one another and silently mouth the word 'family!'

Hmm, so why is that exactly? Why are we stereotying ourselves into these sensible dresscodes? Is it a way of identifying one another? An extension of the gaydar system? "Ah, denin jacket and boots, must be a dyke!" or is it just that we prefer to dress for comfort and not for eye candy? Or could it be that we've subconsciously dressed that way to send signals to men that we're not on the market for them?

Maybe it's a little of each of these things. I also think it's because we are freer. We don't have to fall for the hererosexual trappings of make up or Wonder bras or stuffing our feet into teeny little heels to impress a man and make him feel strong and macho in our femininity and gentleness. We don't have to impress the male of the species and so we just are. Too simplistic? Too goody-two-shoes? Quite a few of my straight female friends who embrace all three things will disagree that it's about impressing a man. They will argue they do it to feel good. And I am sure there are many who do.

So why don't we then? Ok, some of us do, but the vast majority don't. We can look nice, of course, even pretty, but in a next-door-gal kinda way and not a who's-your-mamma-lookee-here way.

So, should we start? I think it's time we stopped living to stereotypes. If you want to do it, do it. If you don't, that's cool too. But when a sister walks in the gay bar in her sexy little black number let's welcome her instead of asking is she's lost!

Joined at the hip

2007-07-27T22:32:00.000+02:00

Lesbians are often guilty of the siamese twin syndrome. Being joined at the hip - and not just when in the sack! Many of us tend to take the 'best friends' thing to the extreme, blocking out any other friendships that may interfere. It's a pity.

Yes, how utterly wonderful to be with a woman who is your equal, your twin and who understands how you feel when you get your period. But how suffocating too. We need to learn to give one another space. To have outside interests and hobbies and friends. That's one area we can learn something from the straight folk. They don't merge and blend from sunrise to sunset. They separate and explore on their own and then reunite later on. We need to do more of this.

I don't speak from a know-it-all position. I speak from a place of having been too linked to my partners; to have put all of my eggs in that one basket all of the time. It felt heart wrenching to tear myself away from my significant other, but now I know that in order to thrive and to keep the relationship hot and alive, we need our space. We need to have some mystery; some sacred place we can escape to. It does not drive us further apart; it brings us closer together.

Durban - get with it!

2007-07-27T21:56:00.001+02:00

I've just had a wonderful dinner out with close friends at Cafe 1999 in Silverton Road - Durban. Great restaurant (albeit a bit expensive). We had a really fun evening (as we always do) and could easily have gone on to another venue for a nightcap, except that in Durban there is nowhere really to go. Nowhere gay that it.

Imagine that. A whole bunch of gays and lesbians looking for a place to have a coffee and a perv and there's nowhere suitable or dedicated to gay people. Not that I'm suggesting we need to be quarantined, but come on, why isn't the Pink Rand commanding some respect?

Beanbag Bohemia is gay friendly, supposedly, but it's not gay. We need a more upmarket version of the old Garth's coffee bar in Avonmore Centre. Come on Durbanites, there's got to be someone with the dosh and the vision to get this going. Where do mature (and by that I mean over 30) people meet one another if not in this kind of setting?

God help us all

2007-07-27T21:41:00.000+02:00

A few days ago two women were attacked in Umlazi, near the Durban airport, for wearing trousers. A mob of men took offence and caught them and stripped them naked. The terrified women tried to get away and fled in the direction of their home. They were chased and beaten all the way. The group forced the women's families to flee for their lives and they then set their home on fire. They cannot return to Umlazi now.

What the hell is happening in our society? That a group of men can take offence to women wearing trousers (instead of a dress or skirt) and do this is totally outrageous. As far as I know, no arrests have been made so this gang is still roaming wild.

The media here has treated the story in an almost humourous light. Of course the gender groups have expressed outrage but the cops haven't made any noise about the crime. They haven't issued the usual "we will leave no stone unturned" quote.

And let's face it, that's where they wil have to look for this lot. Under rocks and boulders. Not a proud moment for us and let's hope they are caught before they do any more damage.

What's in a title?

2007-07-27T21:26:00.000+02:00

A friend of mine recently lent me a book called "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" by Andrew Marshall. I nearly didn't borrow it because of the title. I mean who wants to lie in bed with a partner with a book called "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You"? Potentially very limiting move for the person reading the book! And by association, very limiting move by the author.

But, oddly enough, I read it and could not put it down. It was really good. He has some great ideas and some excellent explanations and even couples who are happily involved should read it. You'll just have to get over the title!

I also liked it because the author makes mention of gay couples and does not just write about straight relationships. We exist too! Refreshing, and if you can get over the title, it could even enhance your relationship!

A classic song!

2007-07-22T14:21:00.000+02:00

Where has the year gone? I've been very slack on this blog and am cheating now with a YouTube clip of Jill Sobule's classic, I Kissed a Girl. If you've never heard it, you need to change that asap! Enjoy.

Micro socialising sometimes equals macro problems

2007-04-30T20:46:00.000+02:00

I was having lunch with a straight friend of mine today and was updating her on my life and social circle. I told a story about the ex of mine who goes on holiday with her ex and whose ex is now dating an ex friend of theirs (when they were a couple). "Ho boy!' was the reply. This is an old dialogue between us. My friend seems to think that lesbians cannot let go of their old flames. She feels we move from friend to partner to ex and then back to socialising together. She told me many years ago that once straights break up they quit seeing one another, period. Well, unless they happen to bump into one another in the Woolies aisle or at the Home Affairs offices. She has a point.
Several lesbians I know have, at one point, continued to live with their exes (even the ones who had cheated on them). They become roomies. Now I can understand the financial imperatives behind that but come on... roomies? Rather run into the middle of a dual-carriageway and throw yourself in front of a Putco bus. At least the agony will be over soon enough.
Other friends socialise in groups with numerous exes. Take another gay friend. Her partner used to date my ex. She used to date someone who is an ex of my ex. SA is small, we all know that, and so it's often impossible to avoid bumping into an ex socially, but many do it because they want to. What's that about?
Look, there are advantages. You don’t have to repeat stories, for example. Everyone knows them. They’ve either heard first hand from you, or second hand from one of your exes, or an exes ex. It’s all very straight forward, if you’re gay.
So, what’s your take on this? Madness disguised as normality? Necessity in these times when the pool is a-shrinking? Or just wonderfully illustrative of how loving and forgiving women are?

Shhhh…. Tell everyone!

2007-04-10T22:40:00.000+02:00

Over the last month or so I’ve been introduced to an amazing concept, re-packed expertly in a 90 minute DVD. It’s called The Secret and if you haven’t heard about it yet, it’s all about the Law of Attraction. In a nutshell, for those with short concentration spans, it’s the ‘half full glass’ theory meets Mind Power meets ‘what you sow you reap’. It’s about how what we focus our energy and attention and thoughts on, is what we attract. So, if all we can think about is being in debt – that is what we will attract: more debt etc. It’s a must-see – anything less makes a very powerful message seem airy fairy and cheesy. So, how does it relate to being gay? Well, there’s a very good example in the movie, which is an illustration of how we often talk ourselves down in life. The story is about a gay man who was doing an online course with one of the teachers interviewed on the film. The teacher, Bill Harris, relates how this man complained about being the constant target of homophobic people and gay bashers. He would be accosted and beaten up on his way home; he would be laughed at and mocked by colleagues at work. He wanted to be a stand-up comedian but when he went on stage, everyone started to heckle him for being gay. Basically, his whole life was the focus of misery and unhappiness and it all centred around him being gay. Harris – through email correspondences – began to teach this man how he was focsuing all of his attention on what he didn’t want instead of what he did want. He was almost expecting those around him to treat him badly because he was gay – and he was rarely disappointed; they treated him like dirt. Over time, he began to see what he was doing and Harris guided him so that he turned his attention and focus to things that he did want. And so began the transformation: his colleagues who’d been mean started leaving him alone or left the company or were transferred. He started loving hIs job! The thugs in the streets just weren’t there. When he did comic acts, he received standing ovations. Harris relates how all of this happened once he changed from focussing on what he didn’t want to what he did want. He changed the way he thought and those around him tuned into his new frequency!

While this is a very simplistic take on the book, the example is a good one for many gay people because many of us need to also change our own frequencies. It makes sense that if we expect to be targetted, we will be targetted. If we think we are going to be whispered about in the corridors, we probably will be. If you can relate to this way of thinking, think about someone you know who is overtly gay and who is loved by everyone around him / her. The confident guy who pulls off being camp or the woman who charms everyone she meets: men and women – gay or straight. You may’ve thought: “I could never get away with what they do.” The difference could be that they instinctively know the Secret. They believe and focus on the good and so this is what they get back. Hey expect people to be okay with them and so send out that frequency. And, people are good to them.

I remember, years back, thinking about a couple I knew who used to walk arm in arm (or holding hands) in public. I used to actively worry about their safety. I fretted: ‘How could they do this? Don’t they know they could get beaten up or attacked, just because they’re flaunting being lesbian?’ I remember, once, summoning up the courage to ask them about this and whether they ever worried about this too? And you know what? They never gave it a thought. They just expected that everyone would cope and be ok and they had never had any negative experience to disprove this. Me, on the other hand, I expected that bad things may happen if I started flaunting my sexuality in public with my girlfriend at the time. And with that vibe and core belief, I probably would’ve attracted some negative attention in one form or the other, if I had been brave enough to walk hand in hand with my partner in public.

Only now have I been able to see and understand what was going on. How the only difference between us was how we saw ourselves and how we expected others to treat us. The cynics will say that this implies all of those who’ve been attacked etc asked for it in some way. That’s when I pass the buck and say ‘watch the movie’. Any other reply will seem far too simplistic. If you don’t watch the film, then try to watch what you tell yourself. Try to focus on what you want. Not what you don’t want. If you’re about to come out to someone, picture (vividly) in your head, them being totally okay with the announcement. Flesh it out. Make it positive and affirming. Expect it. Don’t let the fear creep in or that will become your focus. I would have loved to know about the law of attraction when I was coming out!!

I’d love your feedback and comments on this. Please have your say in the comments section or email me!

Being sentimental....

2007-04-03T22:25:00.000+02:00

South Africa is a beautiful country. It really is. Every so often, I sit somewhere and people-watch – and think how lucky I am to be living in this place. Yes, there is much we need to change: the crime situation for one. But there is also much to be grateful for. There is a passion in our people that is hard to beat. A vibrancy. We sweep our streets with palm leaves because they work better than brooms. We sell single pieces of fruit on street corners because people want to eat what nature has made. We sell totally out-of-place items at intersections (or robots, as we call them) such as coat hangers or kites. We sing and dance in public – if the rhythm is right and if the beat catches our fancy. We say hello to one another, even when we do not know one another. We smile, because we know we live in a country with limitless potential. Let’s be grateful.

Where, oh where?

2007-03-12T19:08:00.000+02:00

Where, oh where was the Internet when I was in my late teens and trying to find out who I was? All this information at the click of a mouse. If typewriters were still in vogue when you were coming out, just imagine how different the experience could have been with the World Wide Web? *Sigh* Certainly none of those ‘am-I-the-only-bloody-lesbian-in-the-entire-world’ feelings! So, here I am in my mid-thirties, discovering the joys of the Internet… and the endless possibilities. And YouTube.com is a new discovery. And, it’s brilliant! All my favourite movies.. just there. Here’s a little something from the gallery….

On coming out, unintentionally...

2007-02-16T22:36:00.000+02:00

A submission from Artemis (A South African now living in Canada):

I am a thirty-something lesbian, and have been with my partner for 10 years! (Didn't ever believe that I was the great commitment type, but clearly I have found someone who makes me a better person, simply by being in my life!)

The road to this point (in respect of acknowledging my sexual orientation) has been an off-road motorcycle enduro, complete with rivers to cross, cliffs to jump off, and a few hard falls.

However, no story begins at exactly the beginning, so I am going to start my tale at around the age of 15 or 16. For years, I had found myself besotted with female teachers, paralysed in the presence of female beauty, and unsure as to what the fuss was all about as I tried to comply with the boy-crazy fixations of my friends....until I met her.... We were in different classes, in the same year at high school. She was independent, wicked sense of humour, and fearless in respect of challenging teachers and older students....and she could sing! Wow, this was the foundation for a friendship that I knew would be deep...

We became extraordinarily close (in retrospect all I can think of is that we started dating, but couldn't put that language to it) Then the kissing started...the world exploded in the mystery of private fireworks displays, as the kisses got deeper and deeper, and the hands started exploring with greater fervour. Well, our rationalisation was that this was natural exploration...only we weren't such eager explorers that we were seeking the unexplored territory of the opposite sex, not even vaguely!

The "friendship" was progressing along quite nicely. We had many "pyjama parties", indulged in elicit kisses in the library at school, or in the girls change-rooms, when no-one was around. Those elicit moments were filled with adventure, and danger...leaning against the door so that no-one could walk in on us...holding hands under a blanket in the presence of others, and exchanging notes with coded language. The passion was deep, and the touches, glances, and kisses were extraordinarily meaningful.

Would we have progressed, had sex, and acknowledged that we were a couple? I will never know...as this story had a pre-emptive strike against us that was destined to force her into the land of religious fundamentalism, and me into a closet from which I only emerged at the age of 19!

So, this is what happened, that caused such a cataclysmic regression in all that was normal to us:
I was at her house, and of course in her bedroom, where I had spent the night (allegedly on a separate bed) with the door closed. It was early in the morning, and her parents were supposedly still asleep. As usual, I had crawled into bed with her, and we were somewhat entwined physically, while deeply engaged in some serious tongue action, when the door burst open to reveal her mother! With dignity, we separated, and the one great act of compassion was that her mom exited and quietly closed the door. The blood rush was unbelievable, as was the fear, and the beating of our hearts. Nothing was said. Nothing....! I left, and still nothing....

The following week, our worlds were spent in a dungeon of unmitigated and unspecified terror, based on repercussions that were only as large as our own self-loathing. Internalised homophobia is often the worst punishment that we can administer to ourselves, as we anticipate what the social repercussions will be.

The repercussion was sad - I, to this day, do not know if my parents were told. I assume that they were, as we were watched like hawks, and kept apart for several months. My mother's fixation on femininity, and marriage, and all things male increased, in our conversations together. I administered my own punishment, beating myself up for having been caught (note, not for what we had been doing!)

To my "friend" the psychologist was the route selected. Apparently he seemed very nice. Agreed with her denial that she was not a lesbian (because she hadn't had sex with a woman, I guess??!!) He did say that if she were a lesbian that he would help her (we never worked out whether that was to assist her not to be, or to assist her along the path towards full lesbian admission- toaster oven and all. Although frankly, I am unsure as to how he may have "helped" her to work this out)

So the barriers went up, and while we still kissed and made out sometimes on rare occasions, the passion was dissipated. Our young lives went into a defensive mode, and we existed to try and conform. This only lasted about 3 years for me, before I fell head over heels in love with a woman, and embraced the reality...I am proud of who I am. My sexual orientation may be only be one part of who I am, but I am proud to be called lesbian, and to stand with dignity within society. But, it is hard when the coming out process is stunted by what we learn, and people's reactions. I know that we stand in great company with one another, and this solidarity is very special.

(Have your own story to share? E-mail herstory@eastcoast.co.za and I'll happily publish it.)

Featured video...

2007-02-13T19:05:00.000+02:00

My 'Ellen' coming out clip was removed from YouTube for some reason, so I've had to try to find another to replace it. This is a great music video showing scenes from a Star Trek movie, of all things. It's from Deep Space Nine and the episode is called 'Rejoined'. I think I could be a Trekkie after all! Enjoy....

(Hint: To watch the clip in full, hit pause until it downloads fully. You'll see the red bar fill up as it downloads. Hit play once it's downloaded.)

Reality check

2007-01-28T19:20:00.000+02:00

After watching a great lesbian-themed movie, I was inspired to go online and see if I could buy some more similar DVDs. The U.S website http://www.wolfevideo.com/ has a wonderful selection, but being in South Africa, I’d rather buy locally. It just feels safer to do so, from a recourse point of view. It's also possibly cheaper.

So, I went to a few well known SA retail sites and was dismayed by what I found. In short, very little. None of the main SA sites even had a 'gay and lesbian' category, let alone stocked some of the most popular movies. Come on! Haven’t they heard about the Pink Rand?

So, anyway, here are the results of my snap survey of a few SA sites. Please let me know if I've missed any out. If you have any Pink Rands at your disposal, you may want to spend them at the more pro-gay shops.

In order to compare apples with apples, I searched for various items on each site. I’ve included a few of the more popular books too.

1. Fingersmith (both the book, and the DVD)
2. Tipping the Velvet (both the book, and the DVD)
3. Imagine Me & You (DVD – was recently on mainstream circuits in SA)
4. The L Word (any season, from 1 -3)
5. Claire of the Moon (DVD – a classic)
6. Kissing Jessica Stein (DVD – so mainstream!)

According to http://www.southafrica.info/, there are a few website contenders for books or DVDs if you’re in SA. I tried all five options they listed.

Kalahari.net (http://www.kalahari.net/)

This was my first choice because it markets itself as the biggest and best in SA, and a site that delivers your order in less than 48 hours.

1. Fingersmith (both the book, and the DVD) They’ve got the book, and it sells at around R145. No DVD.
2. Tipping the Velvet (both the book, and the DVD) They’ve got the book, and it sells at around R145. No DVD.
3. Imagine Me & You (DVD – was recently on mainstream movie circuits in SA)
Nope
4. The L Word (any season, from 1 -3. This has been shown on TV here)
Nope. But their rather pathetic internal search engine coughed up a list of ‘possibles’ for this one, including ‘Die Lief en Leed van Anastasia’ and ‘Breastfeeding without Tears’.
5. Claire of the Moon (DVD) – No
6. Kissing Jessica Stein (DVD – so mainstream!) It’s there – for R94.95

Their search engine is pretty weak. Under DVDs, I searched for ‘lesbian’ under ‘keyword’ and random movies popped up including ‘Friends – Season 1’.

Score: (out of 10 – each number representing a product) 3

Exclusive Books (www.exclusivebooks.com)

Billed as ‘the online shop of one of South Africa's biggest bookselling chains’.

In order to compare apples with apples, I searched for various items on each site.
1. Fingersmith (both the book, and the DVD)
They’ve got the book, priced at between R250 and R158. No DVD.
2. Tipping the Velvet (both the book, and the DVD)
They’ve got the book, priced at R378 for the hardback to R118 for the soft cover. No DVD.
3. Imagine Me & You (DVD – was recently on mainstream movie circuits in SA) - No
4. The L Word (any season, from 1 -3) - Nope
5. Claire of the Moon (DVD) – No
6. Kissing Jessica Stein (DVD – so mainstream!) Nope

Notably absent from the category list for books is a distinct category for ‘gay and lesbian’. Considering they stock both of the books I searched for, it may make sense to add the category so we can skip straight to it, so to speak.

Score: (out of 10 – each number representing a product) 2

Loot (http://www.loot.co.za/)

This site was news to me so I wasn’t expecting much. It proved to be the best of the lot. The search engine allowed you to look for a title across categories. For example, Fingersmith produced the book and DVD results all in one go. Nice.

1. Fingersmith (both the book, and the DVD)
Loot had both. The book went for between R254 (hardcover) and R122 (paperback). The DVD was R275.
2. Tipping the Velvet (both the book, and the DVD)
Once again, it’s got the book and the DVD. Book retails for between R136 and R125. DVD priced at R92. Wow, that’s cheap.
3. Imagine Me & You (DVD – was recently on mainstream movie circuits in SA)
Got it – for R246.
4. The L Word (any season, from 1 -3)
They’ve got the DVD of Season 1 (R605) and Season 2 (R604) and the soundtrack CD of season’s 2 and 3.
5. Claire of the Moon (DVD)
Not there. Ahh!
6. Kissing Jessica Stein (DVD – so mainstream!)
Yes, it’s there – for R117 and R91

Incidentally, I searched for ‘lesbian’ under Books and a host of titles came up. Impressive. Did the same under DVDs and only ‘Tipping the Velvet’ came up.

Score: (out of 10 – each number representing a product) 8

Look & Listen (www.lookandlisten.co.za)

Didn’t really expect to find any of the DVDs listed and was surprised to find that they had Kissing Jessica Stein (R99.99) and Tipping the Velvet – the DVD – for R299.

The site is not user-friendly to search for movie titles.

Score: (out of 8 – as they don’t do books) 2

Musica (http://www.musica.co.za/)

This site had all three box sets of L Word – for just under R600 a piece. Also had ‘Kissing Jessica Stein’ for R99.95
The site’s search function is not very user-friendly. When looking for a DVD, it frequently pulls up everything, music CDs included.

Score: (out of 8 – as they don’t do books) 4

Overall: Okay, so you may think that I’ve defeated my own argument that you can’t find lesbian movies and books in SA, online, but remember, I generally searched for the popular, mainstream titles. The one non-mainstream DVD I searched for, Claire of the Moon (which is all over Amazon) was nowhere to be seen. In other words, while the mainstream titles may be available (as a token), there isn’t much investment in this genre. For that, I need to shop abroad. Hmm. Pink Rand indeed. For now, my money is on Loot.

Come out, come out – wherever you are…

2007-01-21T21:37:00.000+02:00

Every gay person has to face the task of ‘coming out’. For most, it’s not an easy thing to do. After all, depending on where you live, the repercussions can be pretty bleak. Most of us fear rejection. It is always a relief when this does not happen!

Over the years, I have been fortunate to have had great responses from most of the people I’ve come out to. Although, one wonders if we selectively choose to tell those who we feel will accept out lifestyle. Whether that’s true or not, when they don’t reject you, it’s a wonderful feeling of elation and freedom. In most cases, the person I’ve confided in has said they’ve suspected as much for quite some time. To this, I’ve always responded: “But, why didn’t you say something to me then?” The stock response is that they didn’t feel it was their place to do so. They’ve said that they knew when I was ready, I would tell them and they’ve often been waiting many years for that moment.

And I guess, when you think about it, this is the order that this ‘coming out’ should follow. We need to be ready to tell people about this thing that often ends up defining us, and we need to be strong enough to endure, if the response is not all warm and fuzzy.

I’ve had a few of those too. Bloody hell, they’re not fun. For me, undoubtedly the most intensely negative reaction was from my mom. In short, she sent me to a shrink and then told me she loved the sinner, but not the sin! It wasn’t a very helpful response for a 17-year-old.

Below are a selection of a few coming out scenarios. Please add yours by way of the comments page, or by emailing them to me on herstory@eastcoast.co.za, and I will add them.

The good:

These are usually close friends. The kind of people who respond - as mentioned above – that deep down they always knew you were gay. They’re often the scariest to come out to, as their opinions mean the most. You know that if they don’t accept you, it will forever change your relationship dynamic. If they do, it will change it for the better. These are the people who love you unconditionally and who support you no matter what. They’re the kind of people we need to surround ourselves with! In most cases, I instinctively knew who fitted into this category. It was wonderful - albeit nerve-wracking - coming out to them. Finally, you were able to be yourself. The majority of people I’ve chosen to come out to have fallen into this category.

The next two categories are often where relatives fit in. You know the saying: you can choose your friends…

The bad:

They have no idea what to say to you when you tell them you’re gay. They try to make all the right noises, but their facial expressions or tone of voice betrays them. They’re battling to deal with the concept of their friend / family member being a homosexual. What will others think of them, by way of association? These are sometimes the most dangerous, as you’re never quite sure of where they stand.

The ugly:

Boy, oh boy. These are the ones that make you wish you’d never ventured out of the closet. They’re toxic. They’re judgemental. In my experience, they often come from strict religious backgrounds that govern how they view gay people, and can be utterly destructive in their efforts to get you to renounce your ways. Let’s just say the love is not unconditional. In extreme cases, their extreme aversion may be a way of hiding their own latent homosexuality. These are people to steer clear of. With them around, you generally won’t ‘feel the love’!

Depending on your personal circumstances, and the kind of people you’re surrounded with, it’s often easier to come out when you are old enough to: a) have left home; and b) support yourself. I always wished this had been the case with me.

The purpose...

2007-01-20T17:41:00.000+02:00

So, are you South African, or formerly South African, and would like to know how you can take part in this Blog? Well, have you ever read Nancy Friday's 'My Secret Garden'? If you have, you will begin to understand what I am hoping to achieve. Not a barrage of sexual fantasies.. but a heap of emails detailing your experiences on various topics.

I am hoping to collate these responses and ultimately produce a South African book about all of us. 'Us', if you are wondering, is 'gay or lesbian' and 'South African."

I am still trying to formulate the main questions for the 'book' but my goal is to produce something that depicts the history, or her-story, of SA gays and lesbians, through the years.

I would like it to be a reference point for young gays and lesbians to turn to when they feel as if they are the only one's out there who have feelings for someone of the same sex.

I would like it to be a documentary of the cities and towns in South Africa where we have lived and loved. I would like it to be a record of life as a gay or lesbian, in this complexed country, over the years (pre-democracy). If one person can feel less isolated by this project, it would have succeeded.

Please e-mail me to suggest categories and I will also put out my own suggestions in the coming weeks. The address is herstory@eastcoast.co.za.

A few signs that you might be a lesbian...

2007-01-18T22:25:00.001+02:00

You develop crush after crush on various teachers throughout your school career. This can be a blessing in disguise, as it usually means you do very well in whatever subject said teacher is in charge of.

You’re more interested in beating the boys at tennis or cricket, than impressing them with your demure ways

You spend hours trying to dream up ways of getting your best girlfriend at school to show you how to kiss

You spend all your pocket money buying kd lang CDs or Ellen DeGeneres sitcom re-runs.

Your clothing taste tends to be more on the practical side

You consider a touch of lipstick as being fully ‘made-up’

You watch every episode of E.R just to catch a glimpse of the Dr Weaver story line.
Erm.. you just happen to have fallen in love with a woman!

(Got your own tell-tale signs to add? email me and I'll add them!)

For the straight folks...

2007-01-07T21:43:00.000+02:00

For the straight folks, who don't mind gays - but wish they weren't so blatant

- By Pat Parker (this is a great poem I came across in the late '80's. It's actually a spoken song, and I just loved it at the time. Still do.)

You know, some people got a lot of nerve.

Sometimes I don’t believe the things I see and hear.

Have you met the woman who’s shocked by two women kissing
and in the same breath, tells you she's pregnant?
BUT gays, shouldn’t be blatant.

Or the straight couple who sit next to you in a movie and you can’t hear the dialogue because of the sound effects.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

And the woman in your office, spends your whole lunch hour
talking about her new bikini drawers and how much her husband likes them.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Or the “hip” chick in your class rattling a mile a minute
while you’re trying to get stoned in the john, about the camping trip she took with her musician boyfriend.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

You go in a public bathroom and all over the walls there’s: “John loves
Mary”, “Janice digs Richard”, “Pepe loves Delores”, etc., etc.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Or your go to the amusement park and there’s the ‘tunnel of love’
and pictures of straights painted on the front; and grinning couples coming in and out.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Fact is, blatant heterosexuals are all over the place.
Supermarkets, movies, on your job, in church, in books, on television - every day
and night, every place -- even, gay bars!

And they want gay men and woman to go and hide in the closets.

So to you straight folks I say, “Sure! I’ll go - if you go too!”
“BUT I’m polite so, after you.”

Books and movies to get you out of the closet

2006-12-27T21:18:00.000+02:00

Where is all the literature for lesbians in SA? It's not something you readily find in your local CNA, I tell you. You frequently need to go underground to find out how to dig it up. Ironically, I’ve found that 15 or so years ago, it was more available at a good book store than it is now. I’m thinking of the Adams in Durban’s West Street. I vividly remember the gay and lesbian section – on the top floor right in front of the tills. I crept in there many times after shedding my school uniform for something less obvious!

It was there that I bought my first lesbian novel. And what an expensive novel that turned out to be. I had to buy about three other heterosexual books at the same time just to get past the cashier. It was all too much for a shy 17-year-old!

Anyway, it was well worth both the cost and the effort. The book is treasured to this day and also taught me a fair amount about ‘what to do’!

It’s at the top of my list (because I am feeling sentimental):

Lesbian Literature 101 (please email me your favourites so that I can add them too!)

Choices – Nancy Toder

My next best author has to be Sarah Waters. No self-respecting lesbian hasn’t heard of her. She has written the brilliant Fingersmith; the weird Affinity; the gorgeous Tipping the Velvet (also a delicious BBC TV series) and more recently, The Night Watch – which I enjoyed, but felt ended too soon.

I loved reading a very well-worn copy of Radclyffe Hall’s classic: The Well of Loneliness.

And of course, there’s Rita Mae Brown’s Rubyfruit Jungle. All of the above are essential coming-out reading material!

Then there is Hood by Emma Donoghue. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry. It tells the story of the lonely widowhood a closeted lesbian goes through when her lover dies.

Mindgame by Yang-May Ooi is a surprise find. I love thrillers but there are hardly any lesbian characters in this genre. Mindgame is the exception. I also happen to have an autographed copy of the book, which makes it extra special!

What Comes Naturally by Gerd Brantenberg. Lots of truth in this one!

On the movie scene, there are a handful that spring to mind:

The classic Desert Hearts – it is a must-see!
Tipping the Velvet (as mentioned above)
Gia is worth seeing for Angelina Jolie alone.
Kissing Jessica Stein is sweet and very mainstream (pity about the ending!)
If These Walls Could Talk 2 – is gritty and moving
The Incredibly True Adventure of 2 Girls in Love (loved this!)
It's in the Water (hilarious satire!)
Saving Face (a surprise find - gentle and funny)
The L-Word (see previous entries)
The Truth about Jane
Goldfish Memory
When Night is Falling
Fire (Indian love story - very good!)
Fingersmith (wonderful. Didn't disappoint!)
Chutney Popcorn
Claire of the Moon - another classic. Made in 1992.
A Family Affair (average movie)
Loving Annabelle (Teacher-student theme. Hmm!)
D.E.B.S (a spy spoof with a love theme)
Lost and Delirious (set in a private school for girls)
Nina's Heavenly Delights
Red Doors
Girl Play
Queer as Folk (for the boys)

Any suggestions of your own? email herstory@eastcoast.co.za.

A bit of humour

2006-12-14T19:01:00.000+02:00

Love this one...

Seasons and reasons.. more poetry!

2006-12-08T21:22:00.000+02:00

(This poem has been doing the rounds on the e-mail for some years now, but I still love it. We can all relate, I think, to the reason, season, lifetime relationships!)

A Reason, a Season, a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people any way; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

Same-sex humour...

2006-12-07T19:21:00.000+02:00

Some queer quotes

2006-12-07T19:02:00.000+02:00

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet. ~Bill Kelly

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. ~Rita Mae Brown

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~Ernest Gaines

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." ~Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. ~Charles Pierce, 1980

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. ~Author Unknown

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. ~Amanda Bearse

Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one. ~Kate Clinton

No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. ~Author Unknown

In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation. ~Simone de Beauvoir

Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. "I had a great time with... them." Great! Now they don't think you're queer - just a big slut! ~Judy Carter

I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, "Who's the dyke in the dress?" ~Karen Ripley

Do you have a quotable quote you'd like to add? E-mail me on herstory@eastcoast.co.za.

All about... poetry....

2006-12-06T22:32:00.001+02:00

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from "The Invitation"

Let's start at the beginning...

2006-12-05T21:33:00.000+02:00

Last Thursday, 30 November 2006, was an historic day for South African gays and lesbians. The Civil Union Bill was signed into law by Deputy President Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, meaning that ho-ho-ho-mosexuals can now, legally, tie the knot. 'Tis indeed the season to be merry!

Jokes aside, this is really amazing. We're among a handful of countries in the world to have passed such legislation. But gays (and I use this term to include lesbians) will know that the law may be signed but the reality is that there is still much discrimination and hatred out there.

We are a long way off from living in a tolerant society. Pockets of tolerance exist, but it is still dangerous in South Africa to proclaim you are a woman-loving-woman or a man-loving-man.
This blog is not about politics though. It is about history, or her-story! It is the culmination of a long-standing dream to capture a slice of the South African gay culture and identity and I hope you will take part.