'I kissed a boy..'

A conversation with some gay boys this weekend got me thinking. I was showing off videos of a few of Katy Perry's singles. She's been at the top of the US and UK charts with "I kissed a girl" for several weeks now, and I have to admit that I love the song, despite it being tweeny fluff -  probably pitched at adolescent guys.

But us gay girls are so starved of mainstream music that we all sing along when we hear Katy, even though she's so quick to point out she only tried it with 'drink in hand' and that she dearly hopes her 'boyfriend don't mind it.'

I like to think we're evolved enough to enjoy the song, and I got a good kick out of it when I walked into a conservative Muslim-owned cafe the other day, and it was playing over the speakers!

Anyway, back to that conversation with the boys. The one commented that he didn't really see a song with the lyrics 'I kissed a boy, and I liked it' becoming a commercial success. Not if it was sung by a guy, that is!

Our homophobia is such that we allow fantasies of girl-on-girl action, but male-on-male sexual activity is still taboo to even talk about in casual straight conversation, let alone to sing about.

Why is lesbianism more acceptable? Male fantasy plays a role. The average 'bloke' would love to get between two women in the sack. Women are also more comfortable showing affection in public, and you're not deemed lesbian if you hug or kiss a girlfriend in public.

Back in the 1880's, rumours are that Queen Victoria refused to criminalise lesbianism (along with gay sex) because she didn't believe sex between women was possible. 

I don't know if that is true or not, but the belief that sex between women is not as serious or significant as hetero sex is commonplace. And so, men, in particular, feel less threatened. Especially if the women look like Katy Perry. Put two diesel dykes together and it'd be another story completely.

SA needs to wake up and smell the 'pink' rand

Marketing and tourism people talk about the 'pink rand'. Basically, gay money. Disposable income that can be used on lifestyle consumer items: travel; home decor; appliances etc. It's supposed to pack a powerful pink punch. So, why aren't more SA companies wooing the gay market?
I can't think of a single, mainstream advert in the national press or on any medium which is designed to get me to take note and encourage me to spend my money there. All I can think of by way of explanation is the no-one is brave enough to target the gay rand openly, because we still have a bigoted society that advocates for an openly homophobic man, Jacob Zuma, to become our next president.
Ok, so that's very sad. Look how Cape Town has benefitted from pink money? They've been clever about their strategy and it has paid off. We've obviously got a long, long walk to freedom.
So, even if there aren't big adverts appealing to the market, the one sector that should be very sussed and seductive towards gays and lesbians is the tourism sector. Right?
Not so. Maybe in the Mother City they are, but in KwaZulu-Natal, I constantly hear of cases where gay couples book for a weekend away somewhere and the place assumes that if there are two, they must be a straight couple. One friend who was trying to book a romantic birthday weekend away at a spa was asked "and would your wife like any treatments?" Er, no! But my boyfriend certainly would! He actually had to tell her that his partner was another man. "Oh," she said in reply.
How outdated that we need to out ourselves - much to the surprise of the venue hosts. They should be trained to assume nothing. If I book a double bed, don't rush around when I arrive with my girlfriend and give me a room with twin beds. Please, I know what I want.
What I am trying to say is that the tourism sector, from the smallest B&B to the biggest hotel, needs to wake up and smell the pink rand. It's a wonderful, lucrative market. Just show us some real hospitality!

How the tourist accommodation sector can become more gay-friendly. Some practical tips:

1. When someone books - it doesn't matter who - don't assume it's Mr and Mrs. Use gender neutral language.
2. If you ask for names and figure out that the two who are sharing a room are of the same sex, don't assume they're friends. They may be partners and they will want a double bed.
3. Keep your personal feelings out of it. Don't give us 'oh!.." or attitude.
4. Realise that we will talk about our experience and spread the word that yours is gay friendly / non gay friendly venue.

Which L-Word?

I am a 30-something year-old woman. I pay my taxes; I tend to my roses; I am loyal, I am successful, I love to make people laugh; I’m a snob when it comes to loo paper (double ply, please!); I am old enough to remember the collapse of the Berlin Wall but young enough to know what the Rainbow Nation is. I see the glass as half-full; I own my own home; I can never remember the punch line; I am a coffee drinker and I am a lesbian. Actually, make that ‘a gay woman’. Not because I’m part of some tambourine-jangling fraternity but because – when coming out - it’s always been far easier to utter the three-letter description over its multi-syllabled partner: ‘les-b-ian’.

I have decided to share my story because I can – and because I get tired of paging through magazines or flipping through channels trying to find my story.

The crux of the matter is that despite more constitutional freedom and protection than ever before, it’s still pretty difficult being a lesbian. Hatred and discrimination are difficult to shove back in the closet.

Clothes fill mine, by the way. Although from time to time I get waay back in there (to do a little dusting, mind you!) – but also to reflect on how far I’ve come and how far I’ve yet to go. I’ve always believed in being straight-to-the-point about my multi-syllabled sexuality - with anyone who’s anything to me. I’m delighted to say, most have been very accepting and, as the years have crept by, I’ve become more adept at spitting it out. I’ve also noticed that the thirties have produced in me a new, quiet inner confidence. I am less worried about what people think on the one hand and more resigned that, on the other, I will always care to some degree.

But it worries me that popular culture is turning ‘being gay’ into a trend; a fashion accessory – something to try on for size. It worries me that ill-informed journalists writing one-sided accounts of attempts to legalise gay ‘marriage’ – are feeding fears that the overall plot is to take over society and impose ‘our will’. It worries me that many, many men – including some of my friends – still fantasise about two women getting it off or, better still, coming to their rescue and showing them ‘the way’. It worries me more that countless black lesbians – in townships around South Africa – are being ‘shown the way’ more forcibly; are being beaten and raped and punished for loving women.

Because, here’s the deal. It’s not about hating men. It’s about loving women more. For most of the gays and lesbians I know (I’ve polled it, honest!) – it’s not about waking up one day and deciding ‘Hey, to hell with tradition, I want to be different!’ It is an agonising, protracted process which, for many – involves much denial, a great deal of confusion and self-doubt, the overwhelming desire to conform, the rejection of oneself and many other hideous things – before there is realisation that there must either be self acceptance or self denial and lies. And try being a gay teen. Nothing could be more alienating. When I was fifteen and trying to get my tongue around those three-syllables, I honestly thought I was the only person in the world like me. So much for our supposed built-in ‘Gay-dar’. This was either malfunctioning spectacularly or mine had been substituted with a ‘shit-detector’. Because while I couldn’t tell who else was gay, I sure could smell insincerity from a hundred paces off.

I believe that every parent needs to ask themselves how they would react if their child came to them and confided that they thought they were gay. Or if their child came home and said they’d met someone at school who was gay; or had gay parents. Your reaction will have immeasurable impact. Consider it carefully please – and rather cry silently than compare being gay to shop-lifting or worse. Sometimes giving a child wings to fly is the most important thing you’ll do as a parent – even if they happen to be fairy wings.

Representation and misrepresentation

I’ve been reading a book called ‘The Jane Austen Book Club’ which just happens to have a lesbian character in it. She’s not a central focus of the book but just happens to be somewhere on the landscape. And that’s when I noticed it. The ‘scavenging.’ We’ve all done it at one time or another. Scavenged through some or other content to find that which we can relate to best. The athlete may search for athletic content; the new mom, anything to do with babies; and the gay person looks for ‘gayness’!

Novels are one thing. There isn’t much gay reading material out there. Try finding a gay section in your local book store for one thing. They’re not easy to find. And if there is one, they’re often embarrassingly positioned right opposite the ‘religious’ section, or next to the ‘psychology’ area. But that’s another issue.

Television on the other hand is slowly embracing gay and lesbian themes. When 'The L Word' hit our small screens a few years back, all the girls with Mnet thought we’d struck gold. ‘An exclusively lesbian series? No way?!’ Yes way! But even that was flawed. The one thing I just could not understand was why every advert bracket seemed to be filled with spots appealing to Afrikaans men. Boere-musiek CDs were advertised as were other male-oriented products. Didn’t see any lesbian-related ads there. No Indigo Girls or kd lang CDs up for grabs; no Subaru adverts trying to sell us cars. Didn’t even see any women-oriented ads, like tampon adverts or ones advertising lipstick or shampoo for goodness sake. I mean what could the brief have been for those Mnet sales execs: ‘Um, we’ve got a lesbian show so let’s go out there and try to sell some Kilpdrift and coke and Boere-musiek CDs.” Missed opportunity there. Don’t they know the power of the Pink Rand? Eish.

Anyway, I digress. My point is that there we were still grateful for the token gesture. The series was full of gorgeous women who did all sorts of amazing things. And despite the fact that I’ve yet to come across real-life-lesbians who’re like those 'L Word' divas, we loved and supported the series because they did occasionally (very occasionally) reflect our lives. Any lesbian reading this now (who has also followed the series), knows exactly what I am talking about. Alice’s legendary wall-drawings of women and their ex-partners springs to mind.

But ‘The L Word’ is the exception. Most of the time, gay people have to ‘sift’ like crazy through hours of television to find any representation of who and what they are. The recent debate in the US over the inclusion (or rather exclusion) of black actors in movies and TV programmes is a similar parallel. Token gestures abound. And sometimes they’re the worst characters on the block. When you only crack the nod in one in 100 shows and you’re depicted as an evil, psychopathic manic (as in Andrew on Desperate Housewives); or the depraved (Bad Girls); or the unfeeling bitch (ER’s Carrie Weaver) – it gets frustrating. It gets a little depressing when you’re represented as all of these things, when really you’re just the girl or boy next door, who happens to love someone of their own sex.

Stereotypes are easier to handle though I guess. The dyke-lesbian everyone can safely spot from a hundred paces away or the limp-wristed queen who’s depicted as so impotent that no one could possibly be offended, dahling. It’s a little harder to find meaningful plots with meaningful characters who just happen to be gay (as a by-the-way, as most straight characters are depicted).

And so, for the time being, we will have to be content with the tokens, and the occasionally all-out-goodies, such as 'The L Word', and just head for the kitchen when those Boere-musiek CD adverts come on.

But come on people. One in ten is a significant market. Perhaps it’s even a scavenger hunt! Speaking of which, I'd better get back to my book. I'm still hopeful that this lesbian character will develop into something more.

Fascinating objects of desire?

Lesbians remain a source of fascination for many men. We're viewed with amusement by some; while others are in awe of us - hoping to catch a bit of the action if they play their cards right.
Ironic really. The last thing most women loving women want to do is play in the male fantasy arena. We are who we are simply because that is the way things are. Nothing more and nothing less. So, in short, we are not likely to play in the male arena. Ever. Most of us anyway. Those that do require another label, perhaps? Straight. Insecure. Bi?
You choose.
Isn't it interesting that most women don't sit and fantasize about getting in between two gay men - in bed. I've never once heard a female friend say something like 'Jeez, Tom and Dick are such a hot couple, I'd like to get in the middle of those two!'
Nope, it doesn't happen. We would rather be heard saying: 'Tom and Dick have such a gorgeous home. I do hope they can help me with my lounge curtains, like they've offered. It would be such a help.'
Think of the average conversation between two male buddies about Delia and Jackie, the couple from down the hall. Ja right, I rest my case!
Pity more straight men out there aren't thinking like women (or like gay men!). We'd have more respect in our world, more communication and better looking lounge curtains!

Shhhh…. Tell everyone!

Over the last month or so I’ve been introduced to an amazing concept, re-packed expertly in a 90 minute DVD. It’s called The Secret and if you haven’t heard about it yet, it’s all about the Law of Attraction. In a nutshell, for those with short concentration spans, it’s the ‘half full glass’ theory meets Mind Power meets ‘what you sow you reap’. It’s about how what we focus our energy and attention and thoughts on, is what we attract. So, if all we can think about is being in debt – that is what we will attract: more debt etc. It’s a must-see – anything less makes a very powerful message seem airy fairy and cheesy. So, how does it relate to being gay? Well, there’s a very good example in the movie, which is an illustration of how we often talk ourselves down in life. The story is about a gay man who was doing an online course with one of the teachers interviewed on the film. The teacher, Bill Harris, relates how this man complained about being the constant target of homophobic people and gay bashers. He would be accosted and beaten up on his way home; he would be laughed at and mocked by colleagues at work. He wanted to be a stand-up comedian but when he went on stage, everyone started to heckle him for being gay. Basically, his whole life was the focus of misery and unhappiness and it all centred around him being gay. Harris – through email correspondences – began to teach this man how he was focsuing all of his attention on what he didn’t want instead of what he did want. He was almost expecting those around him to treat him badly because he was gay – and he was rarely disappointed; they treated him like dirt. Over time, he began to see what he was doing and Harris guided him so that he turned his attention and focus to things that he did want. And so began the transformation: his colleagues who’d been mean started leaving him alone or left the company or were transferred. He started loving hIs job! The thugs in the streets just weren’t there. When he did comic acts, he received standing ovations. Harris relates how all of this happened once he changed from focussing on what he didn’t want to what he did want. He changed the way he thought and those around him tuned into his new frequency!

While this is a very simplistic take on the book, the example is a good one for many gay people because many of us need to also change our own frequencies. It makes sense that if we expect to be targetted, we will be targetted. If we think we are going to be whispered about in the corridors, we probably will be. If you can relate to this way of thinking, think about someone you know who is overtly gay and who is loved by everyone around him / her. The confident guy who pulls off being camp or the woman who charms everyone she meets: men and women – gay or straight. You may’ve thought: “I could never get away with what they do.” The difference could be that they instinctively know the Secret. They believe and focus on the good and so this is what they get back. Hey expect people to be okay with them and so send out that frequency. And, people are good to them.

I remember, years back, thinking about a couple I knew who used to walk arm in arm (or holding hands) in public. I used to actively worry about their safety. I fretted: ‘How could they do this? Don’t they know they could get beaten up or attacked, just because they’re flaunting being lesbian?’ I remember, once, summoning up the courage to ask them about this and whether they ever worried about this too? And you know what? They never gave it a thought. They just expected that everyone would cope and be ok and they had never had any negative experience to disprove this. Me, on the other hand, I expected that bad things may happen if I started flaunting my sexuality in public with my girlfriend at the time. And with that vibe and core belief, I probably would’ve attracted some negative attention in one form or the other, if I had been brave enough to walk hand in hand with my partner in public.

Only now have I been able to see and understand what was going on. How the only difference between us was how we saw ourselves and how we expected others to treat us. The cynics will say that this implies all of those who’ve been attacked etc asked for it in some way. That’s when I pass the buck and say ‘watch the movie’. Any other reply will seem far too simplistic. If you don’t watch the film, then try to watch what you tell yourself. Try to focus on what you want. Not what you don’t want. If you’re about to come out to someone, picture (vividly) in your head, them being totally okay with the announcement. Flesh it out. Make it positive and affirming. Expect it. Don’t let the fear creep in or that will become your focus. I would have loved to know about the law of attraction when I was coming out!!

I’d love your feedback and comments on this. Please have your say in the comments section or email me!

A few signs that you might be a lesbian...

• You develop crush after crush on various teachers throughout your school career. This can be a blessing in disguise, as it usually means you do very well in whatever subject said teacher is in charge of.


• You’re more interested in beating the boys at tennis or cricket, than impressing them with your demure ways


• You spend hours trying to dream up ways of getting your best girlfriend at school to show you how to kiss


• You spend all your pocket money buying kd lang CDs or Ellen DeGeneres sitcom re-runs.


• Your clothing taste tends to be more on the practical side


• You consider a touch of lipstick as being fully ‘made-up’


• You watch every episode of E.R just to catch a glimpse of the Dr Weaver story line.
  
• Erm.. you just happen to have fallen in love with a woman!

(Got your own tell-tale signs to add? email me and I'll add them!)

For the straight folks...

For the straight folks, who don't mind gays - but wish they weren't so blatant

- By Pat Parker (this is a great poem I came across in the late '80's. It's actually a spoken song, and I just loved it at the time. Still do.)

You know, some people got a lot of nerve.

Sometimes I don’t believe the things I see and hear.

Have you met the woman who’s shocked by two women kissing
and in the same breath, tells you she's pregnant?
BUT gays, shouldn’t be blatant.

Or the straight couple who sit next to you in a movie and you can’t hear the dialogue because of the sound effects.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

And the woman in your office, spends your whole lunch hour
talking about her new bikini drawers and how much her husband likes them.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Or the “hip” chick in your class rattling a mile a minute
while you’re trying to get stoned in the john, about the camping trip she took with her musician boyfriend.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

You go in a public bathroom and all over the walls there’s: “John loves
Mary”, “Janice digs Richard”, “Pepe loves Delores”, etc., etc.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Or your go to the amusement park and there’s the ‘tunnel of love’
and pictures of straights painted on the front; and grinning couples coming in and out.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Fact is, blatant heterosexuals are all over the place.
Supermarkets, movies, on your job, in church, in books, on television - every day
and night, every place -- even, gay bars!

And they want gay men and woman to go and hide in the closets.

So to you straight folks I say, “Sure! I’ll go - if you go too!”
“BUT I’m polite so, after you.”

Books and movies to get you out of the closet

Where is all the literature for lesbians in SA? It's not something you readily find in your local CNA, I tell you. You frequently need to go underground to find out how to dig it up. Ironically, I’ve found that 15 or so years ago, it was more available at a good book store than it is now. I’m thinking of the Adams in Durban’s West Street. I vividly remember the gay and lesbian section – on the top floor right in front of the tills. I crept in there many times after shedding my school uniform for something less obvious!

It was there that I bought my first lesbian novel. And what an expensive novel that turned out to be. I had to buy about three other heterosexual books at the same time just to get past the cashier. It was all too much for a shy 17-year-old!

Anyway, it was well worth both the cost and the effort. The book is treasured to this day and also taught me a fair amount about ‘what to do’!

It’s at the top of my list (because I am feeling sentimental):

Lesbian Literature 101 (please email me your favourites so that I can add them too!)

Choices – Nancy Toder

My next best author has to be Sarah Waters. No self-respecting lesbian hasn’t heard of her. She has written the brilliant Fingersmith; the weird Affinity; the gorgeous Tipping the Velvet (also a delicious BBC TV series) and more recently, The Night Watch – which I enjoyed, but felt ended too soon.

I loved reading a very well-worn copy of Radclyffe Hall’s classic: The Well of Loneliness.

And of course, there’s Rita Mae Brown’s Rubyfruit Jungle. All of the above are essential coming-out reading material!

Then there is Hood by Emma Donoghue. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry. It tells the story of the lonely widowhood a closeted lesbian goes through when her lover dies.

Mindgame by Yang-May Ooi is a surprise find. I love thrillers but there are hardly any lesbian characters in this genre. Mindgame is the exception. I also happen to have an autographed copy of the book, which makes it extra special!

What Comes Naturally by Gerd Brantenberg. Lots of truth in this one!

On the movie scene, there are a handful that spring to mind:

The classic Desert Hearts – it is a must-see!
Tipping the Velvet (as mentioned above)
Gia is worth seeing for Angelina Jolie alone.
Kissing Jessica Stein is sweet and very mainstream (pity about the ending!)
If These Walls Could Talk 2 – is gritty and moving
The Incredibly True Adventure of 2 Girls in Love (loved this!)
It's in the Water (hilarious satire!)
Saving Face (a surprise find - gentle and funny)
The L-Word (see previous entries)
The Truth about Jane
Goldfish Memory
When Night is Falling
Fire (Indian love story - very good!)
Fingersmith (wonderful. Didn't disappoint!)
Chutney Popcorn
Claire of the Moon - another classic. Made in 1992.
A Family Affair (average movie)
Loving Annabelle (Teacher-student theme. Hmm!)
D.E.B.S (a spy spoof with a love theme)
Lost and Delirious (set in a private school for girls)
Nina's Heavenly Delights
Red Doors
Girl Play
Queer as Folk (for the boys)

Any suggestions of your own? email herstory@eastcoast.co.za.

Same-sex humour...

Some queer quotes

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet. ~Bill Kelly

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. ~Rita Mae Brown

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~Ernest Gaines

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." ~Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. ~Charles Pierce, 1980

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. ~Author Unknown

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. ~Amanda Bearse

Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one. ~Kate Clinton

No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. ~Author Unknown

In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation. ~Simone de Beauvoir

Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. "I had a great time with... them." Great! Now they don't think you're queer - just a big slut! ~Judy Carter

I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, "Who's the dyke in the dress?" ~Karen Ripley

Do you have a quotable quote you'd like to add? E-mail me on herstory@eastcoast.co.za.

Let's start at the beginning...

Last Thursday, 30 November 2006, was an historic day for South African gays and lesbians. The Civil Union Bill was signed into law by Deputy President Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, meaning that ho-ho-ho-mosexuals can now, legally, tie the knot. 'Tis indeed the season to be merry!

Jokes aside, this is really amazing. We're among a handful of countries in the world to have passed such legislation. But gays (and I use this term to include lesbians) will know that the law may be signed but the reality is that there is still much discrimination and hatred out there.

We are a long way off from living in a tolerant society. Pockets of tolerance exist, but it is still dangerous in South Africa to proclaim you are a woman-loving-woman or a man-loving-man.
This blog is not about politics though. It is about history, or her-story! It is the culmination of a long-standing dream to capture a slice of the South African gay culture and identity and I hope you will take part.