Which L-Word?

I am a 30-something year-old woman. I pay my taxes; I tend to my roses; I am loyal, I am successful, I love to make people laugh; I’m a snob when it comes to loo paper (double ply, please!); I am old enough to remember the collapse of the Berlin Wall but young enough to know what the Rainbow Nation is. I see the glass as half-full; I own my own home; I can never remember the punch line; I am a coffee drinker and I am a lesbian. Actually, make that ‘a gay woman’. Not because I’m part of some tambourine-jangling fraternity but because – when coming out - it’s always been far easier to utter the three-letter description over its multi-syllabled partner: ‘les-b-ian’.

I have decided to share my story because I can – and because I get tired of paging through magazines or flipping through channels trying to find my story.

The crux of the matter is that despite more constitutional freedom and protection than ever before, it’s still pretty difficult being a lesbian. Hatred and discrimination are difficult to shove back in the closet.

Clothes fill mine, by the way. Although from time to time I get waay back in there (to do a little dusting, mind you!) – but also to reflect on how far I’ve come and how far I’ve yet to go. I’ve always believed in being straight-to-the-point about my multi-syllabled sexuality - with anyone who’s anything to me. I’m delighted to say, most have been very accepting and, as the years have crept by, I’ve become more adept at spitting it out. I’ve also noticed that the thirties have produced in me a new, quiet inner confidence. I am less worried about what people think on the one hand and more resigned that, on the other, I will always care to some degree.

But it worries me that popular culture is turning ‘being gay’ into a trend; a fashion accessory – something to try on for size. It worries me that ill-informed journalists writing one-sided accounts of attempts to legalise gay ‘marriage’ – are feeding fears that the overall plot is to take over society and impose ‘our will’. It worries me that many, many men – including some of my friends – still fantasise about two women getting it off or, better still, coming to their rescue and showing them ‘the way’. It worries me more that countless black lesbians – in townships around South Africa – are being ‘shown the way’ more forcibly; are being beaten and raped and punished for loving women.

Because, here’s the deal. It’s not about hating men. It’s about loving women more. For most of the gays and lesbians I know (I’ve polled it, honest!) – it’s not about waking up one day and deciding ‘Hey, to hell with tradition, I want to be different!’ It is an agonising, protracted process which, for many – involves much denial, a great deal of confusion and self-doubt, the overwhelming desire to conform, the rejection of oneself and many other hideous things – before there is realisation that there must either be self acceptance or self denial and lies. And try being a gay teen. Nothing could be more alienating. When I was fifteen and trying to get my tongue around those three-syllables, I honestly thought I was the only person in the world like me. So much for our supposed built-in ‘Gay-dar’. This was either malfunctioning spectacularly or mine had been substituted with a ‘shit-detector’. Because while I couldn’t tell who else was gay, I sure could smell insincerity from a hundred paces off.

I believe that every parent needs to ask themselves how they would react if their child came to them and confided that they thought they were gay. Or if their child came home and said they’d met someone at school who was gay; or had gay parents. Your reaction will have immeasurable impact. Consider it carefully please – and rather cry silently than compare being gay to shop-lifting or worse. Sometimes giving a child wings to fly is the most important thing you’ll do as a parent – even if they happen to be fairy wings.

Shhhh…. Tell everyone!

Over the last month or so I’ve been introduced to an amazing concept, re-packed expertly in a 90 minute DVD. It’s called The Secret and if you haven’t heard about it yet, it’s all about the Law of Attraction. In a nutshell, for those with short concentration spans, it’s the ‘half full glass’ theory meets Mind Power meets ‘what you sow you reap’. It’s about how what we focus our energy and attention and thoughts on, is what we attract. So, if all we can think about is being in debt – that is what we will attract: more debt etc. It’s a must-see – anything less makes a very powerful message seem airy fairy and cheesy. So, how does it relate to being gay? Well, there’s a very good example in the movie, which is an illustration of how we often talk ourselves down in life. The story is about a gay man who was doing an online course with one of the teachers interviewed on the film. The teacher, Bill Harris, relates how this man complained about being the constant target of homophobic people and gay bashers. He would be accosted and beaten up on his way home; he would be laughed at and mocked by colleagues at work. He wanted to be a stand-up comedian but when he went on stage, everyone started to heckle him for being gay. Basically, his whole life was the focus of misery and unhappiness and it all centred around him being gay. Harris – through email correspondences – began to teach this man how he was focsuing all of his attention on what he didn’t want instead of what he did want. He was almost expecting those around him to treat him badly because he was gay – and he was rarely disappointed; they treated him like dirt. Over time, he began to see what he was doing and Harris guided him so that he turned his attention and focus to things that he did want. And so began the transformation: his colleagues who’d been mean started leaving him alone or left the company or were transferred. He started loving hIs job! The thugs in the streets just weren’t there. When he did comic acts, he received standing ovations. Harris relates how all of this happened once he changed from focussing on what he didn’t want to what he did want. He changed the way he thought and those around him tuned into his new frequency!

While this is a very simplistic take on the book, the example is a good one for many gay people because many of us need to also change our own frequencies. It makes sense that if we expect to be targetted, we will be targetted. If we think we are going to be whispered about in the corridors, we probably will be. If you can relate to this way of thinking, think about someone you know who is overtly gay and who is loved by everyone around him / her. The confident guy who pulls off being camp or the woman who charms everyone she meets: men and women – gay or straight. You may’ve thought: “I could never get away with what they do.” The difference could be that they instinctively know the Secret. They believe and focus on the good and so this is what they get back. Hey expect people to be okay with them and so send out that frequency. And, people are good to them.

I remember, years back, thinking about a couple I knew who used to walk arm in arm (or holding hands) in public. I used to actively worry about their safety. I fretted: ‘How could they do this? Don’t they know they could get beaten up or attacked, just because they’re flaunting being lesbian?’ I remember, once, summoning up the courage to ask them about this and whether they ever worried about this too? And you know what? They never gave it a thought. They just expected that everyone would cope and be ok and they had never had any negative experience to disprove this. Me, on the other hand, I expected that bad things may happen if I started flaunting my sexuality in public with my girlfriend at the time. And with that vibe and core belief, I probably would’ve attracted some negative attention in one form or the other, if I had been brave enough to walk hand in hand with my partner in public.

Only now have I been able to see and understand what was going on. How the only difference between us was how we saw ourselves and how we expected others to treat us. The cynics will say that this implies all of those who’ve been attacked etc asked for it in some way. That’s when I pass the buck and say ‘watch the movie’. Any other reply will seem far too simplistic. If you don’t watch the film, then try to watch what you tell yourself. Try to focus on what you want. Not what you don’t want. If you’re about to come out to someone, picture (vividly) in your head, them being totally okay with the announcement. Flesh it out. Make it positive and affirming. Expect it. Don’t let the fear creep in or that will become your focus. I would have loved to know about the law of attraction when I was coming out!!

I’d love your feedback and comments on this. Please have your say in the comments section or email me!

For the straight folks...

For the straight folks, who don't mind gays - but wish they weren't so blatant

- By Pat Parker (this is a great poem I came across in the late '80's. It's actually a spoken song, and I just loved it at the time. Still do.)

You know, some people got a lot of nerve.

Sometimes I don’t believe the things I see and hear.

Have you met the woman who’s shocked by two women kissing
and in the same breath, tells you she's pregnant?
BUT gays, shouldn’t be blatant.

Or the straight couple who sit next to you in a movie and you can’t hear the dialogue because of the sound effects.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

And the woman in your office, spends your whole lunch hour
talking about her new bikini drawers and how much her husband likes them.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Or the “hip” chick in your class rattling a mile a minute
while you’re trying to get stoned in the john, about the camping trip she took with her musician boyfriend.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

You go in a public bathroom and all over the walls there’s: “John loves
Mary”, “Janice digs Richard”, “Pepe loves Delores”, etc., etc.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Or your go to the amusement park and there’s the ‘tunnel of love’
and pictures of straights painted on the front; and grinning couples coming in and out.
BUT gays shouldn’t be blatant.

Fact is, blatant heterosexuals are all over the place.
Supermarkets, movies, on your job, in church, in books, on television - every day
and night, every place -- even, gay bars!

And they want gay men and woman to go and hide in the closets.

So to you straight folks I say, “Sure! I’ll go - if you go too!”
“BUT I’m polite so, after you.”

Some queer quotes

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet. ~Bill Kelly

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. ~Rita Mae Brown

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~Ernest Gaines

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." ~Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. ~Charles Pierce, 1980

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. ~Author Unknown

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it. ~Amanda Bearse

Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one. ~Kate Clinton

No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step. ~Author Unknown

In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation. ~Simone de Beauvoir

Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. "I had a great time with... them." Great! Now they don't think you're queer - just a big slut! ~Judy Carter

I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, "Who's the dyke in the dress?" ~Karen Ripley

Do you have a quotable quote you'd like to add? E-mail me on herstory@eastcoast.co.za.